Secondhand Smoke
by Brandywine421
Summary: Here's my offering of a SummerRyan fic. One Shot. Rating for possible language.
1. Secondhand Smoke

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to the OC or it's characters. 

AN: This is a stand-alone. It's open for updating but I'm not promising anything. This is my attempt at a Summer/Ryan fic. It's an old one that I was working on that finally came together for me. Hope you enjoy. 

"You are secondhand smoke

You are so fragile and thin

Standing trial for your sins 

Holding onto yourself the best that you can

You are the smell before rain.

You are the blood in my veins…"

--Brand New

Ryan is alone in the pool house again. The past few weeks, he's been alone a lot. In Chino, he loved being alone. It would be quiet and he could actually relax without his mother's verbal barbs and her boyfriend of the week's angry fists. Here in Newport, he's gotten used to constant company and the lack of Seth's chatter is actually chilling for him. He studies. Seth goes out with Anna. Ryan studies. He doesn't need to study, he's actually ahead, but when he's not working, he has nothing and no one. Seth comes back and talks about Anna. Ryan listens. Ryan studies.

Marissa, once the center of his existence, is on a trip with her father to Europe. They talk about twice a week but she won't be back for weeks. 

Sandy and Kirsten are fighting. A lot. Ryan doesn't even venture into the main house unless it's for a meal or a scheduled meeting with his attorney. He hadn't imagined living with the Cohens would be like this, but he's adjusted to it. 

Ryan doesn't feel like being alone tonight. The music blasting in his ears is not taking the edge off his growing depression and restlessness. He sees Sandy and Kirsten fighting in the kitchen so he scratches going into the main house for interaction. He grabs his jacket and disappears into the night.

*****

The next morning, Seth comes down for breakfast, tired as usual.

"Morning, son. How was your night?"

"Long. Where's Ryan?"

"Not up yet…" Sandy replies as Kirsten walks in with a puzzled look on her face. 

"He's not here. The bed hasn't been slept in. I didn't even know he went out last night…" Kirsten admits.

The door closes behind her. "I didn't go out last night. I just made the bed." Ryan startles them by appearing with his backpack.

"You didn't answer when I called you…" Kirsten protests.

"I must have been in the shower. What's up?" Ryan asks, sitting down and not meeting their eyes. 

"Kids, we haven't really been around that much lately, how's everything?" Sandy asks, putting an arm around Kirsten. They must have made up. 

Ryan shrugs. Seth lapses into an animated story about Anna and her car. Ryan drinks his coffee. 

"What about you and Marissa?" Kirsten asks, trying to involve Ryan in the conversation.

Ryan regards her. "She's in France."

"What?" Seth asks.

"With her dad. She's been gone for two weeks," Ryan responds. 

"Oh…man, what have you been doing?" Seth asks. "Why didn't you say anything?"

Ryan shrugs. 

"What does that mean?"

Ryan glances at Seth. 

Kirsten and Sandy are startled. They realized that they had been neglecting their boys but didn't know that they had missed this large a piece of information.

"Ryan?"

"What? It's no big deal, Seth. She calls. I get postcards. It's good for her to spend time with her dad." Ryan finishes his coffee and puts the cup in the sink. "I need to get to school, I'll see you guys later."

Ryan disappears before anyone can speak.

"You don't drive him to school anymore?" Kirsten asks quietly.

"No…I though Marissa picked him up," Seth replies slowly. "I guess we've all been a little distracted."

Ryan dozes in his classes, tired from his trip to the beach the previous night. He walked down, intending to score some alcohol and drink himself to sleep but he ran into an old friend from Chino. It ended up turning into a reunion as the friend called all his other old friends and they had a bonfire on the beach, drinking and catching up. Ryan was in the shower when Kirsten came to wake him, but he didn't sleep there.

"Hey. What's up?" 

Ryan nods to Seth, sitting down beside him on the quad at lunch.

"Are you mad at me?" Seth asks quietly.

"What? Should I be mad at you?" Ryan replies.

"Seth Cohen. What are you doing here? Where's your better half?" Summer sits down beside Ryan.

"Visiting my brother," Seth responds, surprised at her presence. Ryan glances at him with his use of the word 'brother'.

"What do you have today?" Summer asks Ryan, ignoring Seth. Ryan tosses her his lunch bag.

"You guys share lunch?" Seth asks, surprised. Ryan shrugs. Summer starts to eat Ryan's lunch. She hands him a bottle of juice.

"Somebody's got to keep Ryan company since you abandoned him to chase after that slut," Summer says. 

"Hey," Seth protests, stricken.

"Guys. Come on." Ryan's eyes drift past Seth. "Seth. You're being summoned."

Seth glances back and sees Anna waving at him. He has to go. 

"Why do you put up with that?" Summer asks, seriously.

"He's not doing anything wrong. He's happy," Ryan shrugs. Summer shakes her head at him. 

"He ditched you for a girl. Does he even know Marissa's gone?"

Ryan shrugs again.

"I see why silence suits you."

Ryan smiles. 

***** 

Despite the brief interest in Ryan, things return to normal within a week. Seth has problems with Anna and is rarely home. Kirsten and Sandy are having issues again and are never home. Ryan finds himself hanging out with his old friends more. He enjoys feeling like he belongs with them and they don't make fun of his new status. Drinking, smoking, making jokes and just not worrying about his probation or school. 

Tonight, their partying reached a different level. One of his friends had gotten enraged about something and started an all-out brawl. One kid had fallen into the bonfire but fortunately, Ryan escaped with only a black eye and an awful scrape on his arm from sliding across the pavement.

Ryan checks himself out in the pool house mirror, wincing at the darkening bruise. He needs a good excuse for breakfast but he's too tired to think of it right now. He grabs a bag of ice from the mini-fridge and puts it over his eye. 

Ryan is cold when he wakes up. The ice bag has melted and soaked his bed. The sun is up and Ryan realizes after glancing at the blaring alarm clock that he is late for school. No one even noticed that he was missing from breakfast. He shrugs and starts to change his sheets. 

"What are you still doing here? What happened to your face?" Kirsten startles him as he goes into the kitchen to get something to eat.

"Oh, I wiped out on my bike," Ryan lies, showing her his damaged arm. 

"Ryan, don't lie to me…"

Ryan doesn't respond immediately. "Why do you assume I'm lying?"

Kirsten pauses. "Because your face isn't scratched like it came into contact with the pavement. It's bruised like it came into contact with a fist."

Ryan nods, accepting. "I broke up a fight. Well, I tried to break it up. It got kind of heated."

"Where were you?" Kirsten asks.

Ryan shrugs. "Out with friends."

"Friends that fight?"

Ryan meets her gaze steadily. "I'm not getting into trouble, Mrs. Cohen. I promise."

Kirsten examines him for a moment. "You haven't been getting much attention, lately, Ryan. Is everything okay?"

"Fine," Ryan replies.

Kirsten is chilled by the indifference in his voice. "Maybe you shouldn't go to school today, Ryan. You want to spend the day with me?"

Ryan regards her. Her phone rings. She turns away from him, answering the beckoning cell phone. She steps from the room, talking business.

Ryan drinks some leftover coffee but decides to take Kirsten's advice. No school today. He knows where his friends will be. He doesn't want to deal with Seth and Summer's questioning anyway.

***** 

"This sucks, man! I swear to god, I don't understand women at all!" Seth announces, waking him from a drunken slumber on the bed. Ryan winces at the brightness as Seth turns on the light.

"Seth," Ryan mumbles, not sitting up.

"She tells me to try harder, so I try harder. She's all happy and then, like a light switch, she's turned off again…dammit, Ryan, I can't believe that this drama is my life…" Seth complains. 

"Sorry," Ryan mutters.

Seth continues to ramble while Ryan finally finds the energy to sit up. Seth is still talking.

"Why don't you go ahead and call her?" Ryan asks, holding his head. 

"What? Call her…huh…hey. What happened to you?"

"Nothing." Ryan swings his legs off the bed and staggers slightly as he stands up.

"What's up with you? You're drunk…"

"Yep. Got it in one," Ryan laughs. 

"Damn…I really haven't been paying attention…Ryan…" Seth's face is tight with concern.

"It's no big deal. I overslept for school today so I decided to cut. No big deal, okay?" Ryan mutters, staggering to the bathroom.

"Ryan…where'd you go all day?" Seth asks, following him down the hall.

Ryan meets his gaze for a cold second. "I was with friends. You know, people that you hang out with because you like their company? Yeah. Friends." He closes the door.

"Ryan? Come on, man…"  
"I'll see you tomorrow," Ryan calls through the door. 

Seth doesn't tell his parents about his disturbing encounter, they are arguing quietly in the kitchen.

Seth meets Ryan in the pool house early the next morning.

"What?" Ryan asks, his toothbrush still in his mouth.

"Let's hang out."

"I can't. I have to go to school."

"You didn't have to go to school yesterday," Seth retorts.

Ryan turns to him. "What's your deal?"

"I feel like we're not even friends anymore, Ryan," Seth admits. "I've been so caught up with Anna that I haven't been paying any attention to you."

"I don't need your 'attention', Seth. It's cool. I'm glad she makes you happy."

"But…"

"Listen. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Don't freak out, Seth." Ryan pulls a jacket on to cover his scraped arm. He turns back to Seth. "I didn't expect you to baby-sit me forever. You've got a life, too."

Seth is stunned as Ryan walks away from him.

***** 

"Ryan? Where were you yesterday?" Summer asks, joining him on the quad. They've been having lunch together since Marissa's vacation started. Summer refused to fall back in with the Newport society after their alienation of Marissa and surprisingly, Ryan and Summer enjoy each other's company. "Ooh, nowhere nice."

"Nah, it wasn't that bad." Ryan pauses. "I ran into some old friends and we've been hanging out. There was a little battle the other night and I got caught with some stray damage."

"Stray damage. Nice way to put it. But you're okay, right?" Summer asks. 

"Yeah. Seth's all weird about it, but it's cool," He replies. Summer relaxes against him. He leans against the tree they sit under every day and closes his eyes. 

"Well, if you need someone to talk to, Chino, I'm here. God knows there's nobody else in this damn school to talk to since Marissa's gone."

"I'm honored, Summer, but you know…"

"Yeah, you don't talk."

Ryan smiles at her. "Why don't you come out with us tonight?"

"Your Chino friends? Ew…"

"Hey," Ryan replies, feigning being insulted.

"I don't know if I'd really fit in," Summer says.

"I'll be there. We don't steal cars for fun. We just hang out."

Summer shrugs. "Okay. I don't have anything better to do."

"Good." 

***** 

Summer and Ryan become regular fixtures with his friends and their bonfire. The boys steer clear of Summer despite Ryan's reassurances that she is not with him. Ryan and Summer grow even closer. He starts to rely on her and talk to her and she returns his confidence by telling him about herself. By the end of the week, he trusts her more than anyone else in Newport. She meshed with his friends and to him, the effort speaks volumes about her loyalty to him.

Friday night, Seth goes to the pool house after school for the first time since his confrontation about the black eye. Ryan is sitting on the bed with Summer talking on the phone. Ryan is sitting up and Summer is sitting against his knees, painting her nails.

"Summer? What are you doing here?"

"Hanging out with Ryan," She shrugs. 

Ryan's face is blank and he meets Seth's devastated gaze with a cold stare. He speaks into the phone. "Whatever you think is best, Marissa…it's okay…I understand…"

"I didn't know you guys were so close," Seth says slowly.

Summer meets his gaze. "We're friends. What do you call yourself?" Ryan nudges her with his knee. "Sorry."

"Okay, Marissa…I don't care if you keep calling…it's really fine…" He hangs up. "What's up, Seth?"

"What's up? I wanted to see if you wanted to go to the movies with Anna and me tonight," Seth offers.

"I can't. Thanks, though," Ryan replies.

"What are you going to do?" Seth asks.

"Hang out with Summer. Maybe another time," Ryan replies. 

"Oh. Okay."

As soon as Seth leaves, puzzled, Summer turns her head to look at Ryan.

"What happened?"

"Marissa is officially out of love with me. Enter Jean-Luc, from France. She's staying two extra weeks and she thinks she's in love."

"Oh, Ryan, I'm so sorry," Summer gasps.

"It's okay. I mean…it really sucks but…hey. Lots of stuff really sucks."

"I'll have some choice words for her, Chino…"

"Hey. She's your oldest friend. I don't want to be in the middle of that." 

Summer squeezes his arm. "Hey. You're my newest friend. Don't worry. What time are we meeting everybody tonight?"

"Whenever. Why, you're ready to start drinking already?" Ryan doesn't wait for her to respond. "Me, too."

Seth watches them leave from his window. 

***** 

At the party, Ryan and Summer both get more drunk than usual. Ryan's mind is swirling with all the mixed signals he fought through to get with Marissa just to be shut down over the phone. He drinks and drinks. 

He snaps out of his haze. He's on his knees in the sand. He's kissing someone. Summer. She's kissing him back. She's holding his face and trying to devour him. He ignores the screaming voices in his head and continues to kiss her. 

"Finally!" A voice hoots behind them. "They hooked up!" Ryan's friends have been hassling him since meeting Summer about their chemistry. They never believed his story of an absentee girlfriend.

"You know this isn't happening…" Summer breathes between kisses.

"No, it's not…it's all a dream…" Ryan agrees.

"Don't stop, though…" Summer pants. 

***** 

Ryan doesn't recognize the fluffy pink pillow over his face. He groans, his head pounding.

"Shut up…it's too early…"

"Summer? Oh god…" Ryan tosses the pillow off his face.

"Chino? Oh god…" Summer echoes, sitting up.

"What the fuck did we do?" Ryan whispers.

"Give me a minute…" Summer sits up. She covers herself absently with her comforter. 

"Where are we?"

"This is my house. This is my room. We aren't wearing any clothes, do you think…" Summer gasps.

"God…Summer, I'm so sorry…" Ryan apologizes.

"Wait…I'm getting a memory…" 

"Well?" Ryan calls.

"You're very good in bed," Summer replies seriously.

"God, Summer, that's not exactly helping…" Ryan mumbles, but the tension is gone.

"Come on, Ryan, we're friends, we can deal with this…" Summer starts.

"Does this happen with all your friends?" Ryan asks, teasingly.

"Stop having lesbian fantasies…" Summer scolds.

"Summer, this is serious stuff…"

"Really? Let's chill out. Okay? And think about this…you weren't a virgin, were you? With moves like that?" Summer asks, turning to face him.

"No, Summer. You weren't…"

"God, no. Okay. That's cool then. And I seem to remember that we used protection. You don't have any icky Chino diseases or anything, do you?" 

"No, Summer," Ryan replies. He is losing his nervousness since Summer doesn't seem upset. 

"Okay, then. So we're just friends that got drunk and turned to each other for comfort. Right?" Summer asks, explaining things to him. He stares at her.

"Is that okay?" Ryan asks.

"Yeah. Is that okay with you?" Summer questions. 

"Yeah. We're still friends?" Ryan asks.

"Yeah. We're friends…" Summer says, looking at him, curiously.

Ryan meets her gaze. He leans in and cups her chin. "Thanks." He kisses her.

"I know you can do better than that, stud," She replies when he releases her. She kisses him deeply and they retreat under the covers. 

***** 

Ryan goes from Summer's to work and doesn't get home until late Saturday evening. Sandy and Kirsten aren't home and Seth is waiting for him in the pool house. 

"Hey. Where'd you stay last night?" Seth asks.

"I crashed at Summer's," Ryan replies. 

"Uh huh. What's up with that?"

"With what?" Ryan asks, dropping his bag beside the bed. 

"You and Summer?" Seth asks.

"We're friends," Ryan shrugs.

"Since when?"

"Since I needed one and didn't have any," Ryan replies. 

Seth gasps. "Ryan…I…"

"Don't apologize, Seth. We're cool. But don't get all defensive because I'm hanging out with the girl you used to have a crush on, because unless I'm mistaken, you're with Anna now…"

"And you and Summer are just friends?"

Ryan's anger flares suddenly. "Dammit, Seth, why are you so interested all of a sudden? You can't just be involved in my life when you're bored with your own…"

"What does Marissa think about all this?" Seth snaps.

Ryan throws his hands up in frustration. "Okay. You know what? No. You don't know anything. Get out."

"Ryan…"

"Get out. Don't talk to me. We are not friends. We are not brothers. Get out."

"No, I won't get out. This is my house," Seth retorts.

"Fine. I'll leave," Ryan states. He starts shoving things into a bag.

"Wait, let's just calm down here, Ryan…"

"You calm down. I'm out," Ryan responds.

"What am I going to tell my dad? That you ran away because we had a fight?"

"You know what? I don't think your dad really gives a shit. He's missed the last three meetings with my probation officer. Your parents won't even know I'm gone," Ryan mutters. One bag is full. He dumps his books out onto the bed freeing up another bag. 

"I can't believe this is happening…" Seth says as Ryan starts filling the bag with clothes. 

"Fuck you. You don't need me around anymore, Seth. I really appreciate you being there for me these last few weeks, I can tell you were really concerned about me," Ryan mutters sarcastically.

"My mom bought you that shirt," Seth snaps. Ryan freezes. He drops what he's holding and walks out of the pool house. He leaves everything. Seth turns to apologize, but Ryan is gone.

Seth is unable to reach his parents by phone. Finally, he calls Summer. 

"Hello?"

"Summer? It's Seth. Is Ryan with you?"

"No. Why? Why are you looking for him?"

"We, sort of, had a falling out. He told me to get out. I told him to get out and…he left."

"What's your issue? I mean, you're such a punk, Cohen. Where's he supposed to go?"

"I didn't think he'd leave, Summer…it's like I don't know him anymore…"

"You never knew him, Seth, or you wouldn't treat him like this. He's a person, not just a toy your parents brought you to play with…"

"Summer…"

"No, listen to me for once. Ryan lost his mother and everything he ever knew. You guys took him in and made him think that he was going to be a part of a family but you guys don't even pay any attention to him! Ever since you started dating Anna, Ryan's been left out. I didn't even see it for a while, but he really depended on you. You made him think that he actually had a place in the family but after you got distracted, he's been flying blind."

Seth sighs. "Where do you think he is?"

"I don't know, Seth."

"What's going on with you guys?"

"Nothing. We're friends as if it's any of your business."

"Will you…"

"No. Bye, Seth."

***** 

Sandy and Kirsten both come home after midnight and Seth is asleep, exhausted from his all-evening search for Ryan. Seth doesn't see either of them until the next morning. 

"Hey, son, what's up?" Sandy asks, greeting him in the kitchen. Seth ignores him, going to the pool house to see if Ryan has returned. Seth sees that nothing's changed and he returns to the kitchen, sitting down and sighing.

"Seth?"

"Ryan's gone."

Sandy freezes. "What?"

"He's gone. We had a fight. I told him to get out and he did."  
"Seth…"

"I messed up," Seth admits. "I got caught up in my own life and basically ignored him. I accused him of messing around with Summer but they're friends. They're just friends and…I don't know where he is or how I can fix this."

"God, Seth, why didn't you call me?"

"I did. Four times. Mom, too. I asked him before he left what I was supposed to tell you and he said…he said that you guys wouldn't know he was gone."

Sandy sighs heavily. "We didn't even know."

"He says you've missed the last three meetings with his probation officer, Dad. Is that true?"

Sandy is surprised. "I don't…shit…Wednesdays at three…I have…"  
"I guess one kid's about all you can handle," Seth remarks.

"We'll find him, Seth. I promise. We'll make this right."

***** 

Summer is sitting home alone on Saturday night when she hears the doorbell ring. The housekeeper gets it and she glances up from the couch, not expecting company. Ryan walks in.

"Hey, stranger. What's up?"

"Homeless again," Ryan mutters.

"I heard. Seth called looking for you yesterday. Where'd you stay last night?"

"I just walked around. 'Caught some sleep under the boardwalk this morning."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No," Ryan answers quietly. "I came to say goodbye."

"Stop right there. Are you out of your mind? Where are you going to go?" Summer gasps.

"I found my Mom. I figured I'd crash with her for a few days and then move on…"

"You're just going to leave…"

Ryan meets her gaze. "Yeah. I have to."

"Why? Seth, he's a jerk, but he still cares about you. And the Cohens, god, they'd never get over it…"

"It isn't working…" Ryan mutters. "I'm not working here."

"You can't just quit, Ryan. I know that the teachers are flipping out over you because you're doing so well. Sit down. Please, Ryan."

He sits down beside her, clearly exhausted. She puts an arm around him and he relaxes against her. "You think I should go back?"

"It's your home, Ryan. Don't run away. I…I would miss you, Chino. Really. I think you should try to work it out. You know I like your friends, they're all cool…but you're smarter than they are. You could actually do something with your life instead of wasting it away. Are you listening?" Summer asks.

"Yeah. I'm listening," Ryan sighs. 

"I'll go with you. If you don't want to stay after you talk to them, we'll make a break for it. Okay?" Summer offers. 

"You don't have to come, Summer, I can do it…" Ryan sighs.

"You aren't looking too steady, Ryan. You look thrown."

"Damn, I am thrown. I'm fucking fucked," Ryan admits. "I don't…I don't know what I'm supposed to do…"

Summer hesitates and then leans over, kissing him.

"I thought we weren't doing this anymore," Ryan protests, putting his hand hesitantly on her head.

"Comfort. It's between us and we're just friends, right? We're not hurting anyone…" Summer starts, accepting his kiss. 

"Summer, this can't be good for us," Ryan says between kisses. 

"Shh…no talking…more kissage…" She murmurs. 

Later, Summer has dozed off. Ryan showers and then sits at the end of Summer's bed.

He isn't sure what's happening. Summer is his friend. She's beautiful, nice, caring, talented and perfect for any man. But she's his friend. She's Marissa's best friend. But when she touches him, he can't seem to make himself stop. It's not love, both of them know that, but the lust is stronger now when they're together. 

Things just seem to get more complicated every second he stays here.

"What are you doing?"

"Thinking."

"Stop. Come to bed. We'll worry about everything tomorrow, okay?" Summer yawns. "Okay? Don't run."

Ryan closes his eyes and climbs into Summer's bed. She wraps her arms around him and he lets himself relax.

***** 

"Sandy, call the police. It's been two nights that he hasn't shown up," Kirsten tells Sandy on Sunday morning. 

"I don't want to get him sent back to juvie until we know for sure…" Sandy protests. 

"Know what for sure?" Seth asks, entering the kitchen.

"Until we know that he's really gone. He's a good kid, I'm sure once he calms down that he'll…" Sandy starts.

"Hey," Ryan says, stepping into the kitchen. Summer is behind him with her hand on his back.

"Ryan…thank god…" Kirsten breathes, going toward him and embracing him. Ryan doesn't return her hug and immediately retreats slightly back into the hallway. 

"Sorry for disappearing. I had some things to think about," Ryan says quietly.

Summer glares at Seth who turns away, guilty.

"Ryan. Despite whatever problems you have with Seth, this is our house. It's your house, too," Kirsten says gently. Ryan nods. Summer pokes him in the back.

"Okay," Ryan answers.

"Are you okay?" Sandy asks.

"Yes, sir," Ryan replies. 

"I'm sorry," Seth says. "Are you back now?"

Ryan doesn't meet his eyes but nods. Summer puts her hand on his shoulder. 

"I'm back," Ryan says. 

"You knew we were looking for him and you didn't think to call?" Seth accuses Summer.

"Hey. I didn't even talk to her until today," Ryan replies before Summer can answer. "This is between us, not her."

"Then why is she here?" Seth snaps.

"Seth. Go to your room. Now," Sandy orders. Seth hesitates, but leaves. 

Ryan turns to Kirsten and Sandy. "Look. I thought this was a good idea…"

Summer squeezes his arm again. 

"But it's not. Seth obviously has problems with me…"

"He's been worried sick…" Kirsten protests.

"Sure, but when I walked in here with Summer, you could just see…it doesn't matter. I can't stay here anymore. I'm going to get some things and let you make the calls you need to make to my probation officer…"

"Ryan, this isn't bad enough for you to have to do that…" Sandy protests.

"Yes. It is. Seth doesn't want me here. You guys don't have time for me to be here. I won't destroy your family. I should go. Its best…"

"No. We talked about this," Summer hisses in his ear.

"Ryan. Sit down," Kirsten sighs.

"I'm going to go get my things…"

"No. You will sit down and listen to us," Sandy says, sternly. Ryan flinches but doesn't move. "We are your legal guardians…"

"Why are you doing this? You'd rather send me to juvie than let me go?" Ryan asks. Summer gasps.

"You aren't going to juvie, Ryan," Sandy begins.

"If I leave, you'll call the cops and that's juvie," Ryan snaps. "You think this is an easy decision for me?" Summer is holding his arm, keeping him from bolting. 

"Ryan, please," Kirsten says.

"It's not working…" Ryan responds quietly. He's trembling with emotion.

"I won't let you walk away from this family," Sandy starts again.

"_Your_ family, Sandy…I'm not yours…no matter how hard I try, I'll never be the son you wanted…" Ryan says. "I'm not yours."

"Ryan," Summer interrupts. Sandy has turned around, affected. 

Ryan meets Summer's worried gaze before pulling away from her and bolting through the door. 

Seth is at the foot of the stairs as the door slams. Summer walks over to him and slaps him harshly, bloodying his nose. 

"Fuck you. You don't own me. You don't even know me. There's never been anything between us except your little fantasies…" She hesitates, shaking with fury. "You were Ryan's only friend and you ditched him, just like everyone else. You made him feel guilty when he made another friend, Seth…you just ditched him when you got tired of him…he's a fucking person not a toy, not a thing for you to play with when you feel like," She finished with another slap to his face. She storms out of the house. She spots Ryan leaning over down the driveway. 

"Ryan…"

"Will you take me somewhere?" He whispers when she gets to his side. 

"Yeah, babe, let's ride." She steadies him to her car.

**** 

Summer pulls her car into a parking lot. Ryan hasn't said a word since getting into the car. 

"Ryan, I need you to say something. Snap out of it," Summer says, shaking him.

His eyes remain closed. 

"Please."

"Would you kill me if I asked you to?" Ryan asks suddenly.

"What?" Summer chokes. "What kind of drugs are you on? What the fuck?"

"An ex of mine used to say that that would be the ultimate sacrifice. If you loved someone enough that you'd kill them if they were in enough pain to ask…" Ryan murmured.

"Ryan…why are you asking me?"

"I need you to let me go," Ryan says quietly.

"To let you die? Hell no…"

"I don't want to die, Summer. But I can't stay here," Ryan replies.

"This is so fucked up…"

"I don't know what else to do…"

"I am asking you to stay, Ryan. You're exhausted. You're upset. I can't make you do anything…but I'm asking you to stay. Even if its just for a little while," Summer urges.

"Nothing's going to change…"

"Please," She whispers. She puts her hand on his leg, gently.

He sighs. He takes her hand.

"Yeah?" She asks.

"Okay," He whispers.

"Mind if I spring for a hotel? The Cohens will probably come to my house looking for you."

"Damn. I didn't think about that," Ryan admits.

"Don't worry, Chino. I'm from Newport, I have a trust fund," Summer smiles.

"You don't have to do this for me," He says quietly.

"I know. I don't do things that I don't want to do, Chino."

***** 

"They're not at Summer's," Sandy says as he drops his keys on the counter hours later. 

"She's got her phone turned off," Seth says to his father. Kirsten is in bed, upset.

"We'll get him back, Seth," Sandy says.

"He doesn't want to be here…because of me…this is my fault…" Seth mutters. 

"It's mine as much as it is your. I've been so caught up in my own life that I forgot…God, that's so awful…"

Kirsten steps inside. "Stop it. Both of you. We messed up but living here is 100% better than Ryan's mother's house. We can't take back the past few months but Ryan is a part of this family and he will come home." She walks over to Seth. "Can you get over this problem you have with Summer?"

"I'm over it. I want him back. I'll be best man at their wedding if it'll make him stay…" Seth says. 

"We're all going to bed. There's nothing more we can do tonight. Everything will be better tomorrow," Kirsten says. 

***** 

When Summer wakes up, Ryan is gone. A letter lies beside her in the bed they shared the night before. 

"_Summer. I'm sorry. I care about you more than a friend should. I didn't want you to see me walk away. I wish I could stay but I can't. I have to try something else. R."_


	2. Brand New Day

***** Part Two *****

"If it makes you less sad, 

I will die by your hand. 

I hope you find out what you want. 

I already know what I am. 

And if it makes you less sad, 

we'll start talking again. 

And you can tell me how vile 

I already know that I am. 

I'll grow old and start acting my age.

I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. 

A crown of gold. 

A heart that's harder than stone. 

And it hurts a whole lot, 

but it's missed when it's gone…"

--Brand New

"Hey, Summer. Any word?" Seth sits down at the table where she is sitting alone for lunch. Ryan has been missing for several days and during the interim, Seth and Summer have mended their fences. Seth is devastated by Ryan's disappearance as is Summer. Every day they meet at the same table and make phone calls on their cell phones. Sandy and Kirsten have hired several private detectives to search for Ryan but there has been no success. 

She shakes her head. They stare at their food in silence. When her phone rings, they both jump in surprise. 

"Hello?"

"Hey."

Summer grabs Seth's arm with a gasp. "Ryan?"

"Hey."

"Oh my god, where are you? Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

__

"Are you monosyllabic now? Talk to me," Summer urges. 

"Sorry. How are you?"

"I miss you."

"Me, too. I think I fucked up."

Summer can tell that something's wrong. "Where are you?"

"I fucked up," Ryan repeats.

"Stop saying that."

Summer hears him choking with sobs. She realizes that he's been crying the whole time. 

"I'm sorry…"

"Where are you?"

"Summer…"

"Where are you? I know you're not with your mom, she's in Vegas…I have to see you."

"I don't know what to do."

Summer waits but he didn't continue. 

"Let me help you. We'll brainstorm. We'll figure it all out," Summer says.

She hears him talking to someone. "Give me ten minutes," He says in the background.

"Ryan," She calls, trying to recapture his attention. 

"I'm still here."

"Where are you?" She asks again.

Ryan sighs. "Chino. At a motel."

"Where? I don't have Mapquest right here."

He doesn't reply.

"You don't have to ask. I'll come alone."

"I know. It's just…"

"What?"

"I'm not doing so well."

"Ryan, what do you mean? Are you okay?" She tries to keep the panic from her voice.

"I don't know what you're going to say when you get here and…"

"Please," Summer whispers. She doesn't meet Seth's worried gaze. 

"I miss you so much. I miss…I miss my life…"

"Please, Ryan," Summer says. He gives her an address and she scribbles it on a napkin.

"Summer?" Ryan calls.

"I'm coming, Ryan. Are you going to be okay until I get there?"

"Yeah. Of course. Just knock, I'm in 209."

Summer hangs up and turns to Seth. "Can you promise not to tell your parents anything until I talk to him?"

Seth hesitates. He knows how upset his parents are. 

"Please? I just need to talk to him," Summer says. "I know I can talk some sense into him, but he sounded…he sounded so upset, Seth…"

Seth has spent a lot of time with Summer in the past few days and he knows that she cares about Ryan more that she admits to herself. He thinks that Summer and Ryan may be in love. It doesn't bother him now, he thinks he's finally over Summer. She's still hot but he realizes that he loves Anna and that Ryan and Summer need each other. 

"Please, Seth."

"Okay. Anything to get him home. But you call me, Summer, as soon as you know anything. I need to know if he's okay."

"I promise." She hugs Seth and hurries to the parking lot.

***** 

Ryan is staring at the cleared space on the cluttered table beside him. He's been at this motel for four days and he's been selling coke for three days. It's been two days since he slept and one day since he hit solid rock bottom. He thought he'd hit bottom before but this is different. He's completely at a loss. He is lost. 

He has half a gram of cocaine cut up on the table. He sold the rest. Six hundred dollars is stuffed into an empty cigarette box on the table beside a pyramid of beer cans and a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels. 

His 'friends' from Chino have been keeping him company but he has sent them away. Summer is coming.

He's tired. He's sore and bruised from a bad deal the night before. He stares at the mound of coke on the table. He has to stop.

He hurts. The bad deal last night had resulted in him getting his ass kicked. He hurt the guy, slammed his face into the pavement but not until after the guy had roughed him up. His face was bruised and swollen and his side has turned a dark blue, almost black from bruising. The bastard had tried to stab him but he managed to avoid his stomach and chest and Ryan only took a couple of stabs to the upper thigh. He knows that he probably has some damaged ribs. If it wasn't for the coke, he knows that he probably wouldn't be able to move._ He isn't using heavily, he'd just hit it a few times to prove to the people he was selling to that he was on the level, but he wants to use more. His body is craving more and he's been staring at the table for hours. Before and after he called Summer._

He lights a cigarette with his bruised hand and jumps when he hears the timid knock on the door. He slowly makes his way to the door and swings it open without looking to see who is there. 

Summer gasps when she sees him.

"Told you," Ryan mutters. He turns away without acknowledging her further and limps back to the chair by the table. 

Summer closes the door behind her and goes to his side. She embraces him, desperately. 

"Oh baby, what happened?" She asks as she hugs him. He doesn't hug her back. She doesn't release him but pulls away enough to look at him. His eyes are bloodshot and fully dilated. 

"Everything just got out of control, Summer…" Ryan says finally.

"Baby, things will be okay." She pauses. "Come home."

"That's the thing, Summer…I thought I was coming home but…I don't want to be here, I don't want to live this way…" Ryan whispers. "These people, my friends, they haven't changed, they're exactly the same and…I don't want to be here…I don't want to be this."

Summer sees that Ryan is distraught. He is shaking. She hugs him tightly against her.

"I don't know what to do," Ryan whispers.

"Shh…let me take care of you, okay? You're hurt, you're exhausted and you know that you're not thinking straight right now…"

"I know," Ryan sighs. "I'm all fucked up."

"Ryan, will you relax? I swear, you're so tense…Can I give you a bath?"

"Summer…"

"I want to make sure you're okay," She urges. "And then I want you to sleep."

"I can't sleep."

Summer sets a bottle of her mother's Valium on the table beside the coke. "You'll sleep."

Ryan sighs. "Okay."

"Okay? That easy?"

"I'm tired. I have to figure out what to do and I'm…I can't."

"Okay, baby," She says. She hands him 2 pills and he chases them with a swallow of whiskey before she can stop him.

"What next?"

"Go into the bathroom and start the bath. Can I get rid of this for you?" Summer motions to the coke. 

"Please." Ryan gets up and slowly walks to the bathroom. 

Summer sweeps the coke into the trash can and tidies up quickly before joining Ryan in the bathroom.

Ryan is standing in front of the mirror trying to pull off his shirt but his face is drawn with pain.

"Sit down," Summer says. Ryan sits down on the closed toilet and she pulls his shirt off. She barely manages to not react to his damaged side. "How are you still standing?"

"I'm tough, remember?" Ryan mutters.

Summer's gaze falls to his jeans and she spots the bloodstain on his upper thigh. Ryan takes her hands before she can comment.

"Thank you. For everything."

"Don't thank me yet, baby. Take off your pants," Summer smiles.

"I used to look forward to you saying that," Ryan says. He hasn't smiled since she arrived. He gingerly removes his jeans and stands unsteadily in his boxers. 

"Sit back down," Summer says quietly. The bandage that Ryan has on his leg is saturated with blood and she is worried. She turns off the steaming water as the tub is half full. "What happened?"

"Bad deal," Ryan mutters. It takes Summer a moment to realize what he's talking about.

"Coke? You've been selling coke?" Summer gasps. 

"I had to. I didn't take anything with me when I left and I had to make money somehow…"

"And you've been using coke, too, haven't you?" She asks as she carefully pulls off the bandage from his leg. 

"Summer…"

"This isn't a lecture, I just need to know what I'm dealing with," Summer says. 

"I…yes, Summer. I have street credibility here but it's courtesy to do a line with whoever you're selling it to so they know you're not a cop and that the stuff is okay quality. Things got out of control," He says.

"Okay, Ryan. I know. What happened here?" She asks. His leg is bleeding sluggishly.

"He cut me," Ryan replies.

"Did you go to a hospital?" Summer asks. He shakes his head negatively.

"Ryan, you might need a hospital, okay?"

"I can't, not today…I'm just too fucked up…I'll be okay," He replies.

She doesn't respond immediately. "You're not okay, Ryan."

"I know," He replies.

"Why'd you call me?" She asks. 

"Because. I…I needed you and I knew…I knew you'd come," He whispers. She embraces him immediately.

"I need you, too, Ryan. I need you."

"I wish that I had listened to you…" He whispers.

"Don't worry about that now, let's get you into the bathtub and then you can get some rest," Summer says as she releases him.

"You're not going to call the Cohens?"

Summer hesitates. "I have to call Seth. I convinced him not to tell his parents that I was coming to see you but I promised him that I'd call him."

"So you guys…"

"He's so sorry, Ryan. I believe him. He's devastated that he drove you away and all he wants is a chance to apologize and bring you home," Summer says. He doesn't meet her gaze. "Are you still mad?"

"I'm not mad. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry about all of this," He replies. 

"So…it's cool if I call him?" Summer asks.

"I don't care, Summer. You made a promise and you have to keep it," Ryan shrugs. "But I can't go back, not like this…"

"Okay, that's fine, Ryan, I'm just glad that you called me," Summer says. "I won't tell him where you are, not until you tell me it's okay, but I have to tell him that you're okay…"

"I'm not okay. But you can tell him that I am," Ryan says. 

"Okay, Ryan. Get into the tub. I'm going to go call Seth and I'll be right back," Summer promises.

"Okay. I'll be here," Ryan murmurs. 

Summer steps back into the main room and pulls out her cell phone. She sits down on the bed and calls Seth. 

"Hello?"

"It's Summer."

"Is he okay?" 

"I'm with him. He's…he's exhausted."

"Is he coming home?"

"He's in no shape to go anywhere," Summer mutters.

"Summer?" Seth calls. 

"I don't want your parents to see him like this, you know how Ryan is about his pride," Summer replies.

"Is he hurt? Drunk? Angry? Summer, give me something here, please."

Summer is torn. She doesn't want to break Ryan's delicate trust but she knows how much Seth needs to know if Ryan is okay.

"He got into a fight but he's okay. Well, he's hurt, Seth, but I'm more worried about his state of mind right now. He keeps saying that he doesn't know what to do and he just looks so lost…" Summer whispers.

"Shit…he'll freak if I come out there but I need to see him and…I have to tell my parents."

"I know. I told him that. He knows I'm talking to you now. Can I have some time with him?"

"God, Summer…"

"Seth, I know I can get him to come home but…I just found him and I can't risk pushing him away right now, I won't lose him again."

"I'm going to tell Mom and Dad. I'll call you back in a few minutes."

"Okay. If I don't answer, I'll call you in half an hour." Summer hangs up. She returns to the bathroom.

Ryan is in the tub with his head leaning against the edge with his eyes closed. The water has residual suds from Ryan's apparent bath but it is tinged red with blood.

"Ryan?"

"How's Seth?" Ryan asks, not opening his eyes.

"He wants to see you," Summer replies.

"I look like hell," He mutters. "But it's better than how I feel."

"You need a hospital."

"I need about 2 weeks of sleep."

"How's the valium?"

"Fluffy. But nice. Not much for the pain, though."

"Will you look at me?" Summer asks. She kneels beside the tub. He opens his eyes and regards her with pain-filled eyes.

"Will you do something for me?" Ryan asks.

"Sure."

"Kiss me."

Summer responds by leaning over and kissing him deeply. Moments later, he pulls away.

"I've never tasted anyone like you, Summer," Ryan smiles. She kisses him again.

"I missed you baby," She murmurs.

"I missed you, too. Can you stay?"

"I'm not leaving your side. Will you try and sleep?"

"Those valium are kicking my ass. I'll sleep."

"Ryan, the Cohens want to see you. I don't know if I can keep them away."

"Summer…"

"Will you at least talk to them? Seth? Or Sandy?" Summer pleads.

"I really don't want to see any of them today. Or tonight. What time is it?" Ryan's eyelids are drooping.

"It's around 3 in the afternoon. Come to bed." She helps him out of the tub and dries him with a towel. 

She lies down beside him in the bed as her phone rings. Before she can answer it, Ryan takes it from her and flips it open. 

"Hello?"

"Summer?" Sandy asks.

"Ryan. Hey."

"Shit, kid. It's good to hear your voice. Are you all right?"

"Not really, if you're wanting honesty."

"Ryan, will you come home? Can we get past all this?"

"I'm trying. I'm over it. I…I miss being there but…"

"But what? Where are you? We'll come get you right now…" Sandy begins immediately.

"I need a couple of days. Twenty four hours at least."

"Ryan, you've been gone too long already. If you're hurt…"

"Sandy," Ryan sighs, putting a hand to his face. Summer squeezes his shoulder, reassuringly. 

"Please, Ryan. Come home. We're your family, you have to believe that, we want you here, we need you here…"

"I'll come home. But I can't right now."

"Why?"

"I'm tired. I haven't slept in days and my nerves are shot."

"Seth said you were hurt, Ryan. What happened?"

"Fight. Nothing serious."

"Is Summer going to stay with you?"

"I think so. I doubt I could get her to leave right now," Ryan sighs.

Sandy is silent. "But you're okay."

"I'm intact."

"And you're coming home?"

Ryan hesitates. "If you'll have me."

"You don't have to question that," Sandy replies, clearly relieved. 

"Let me talk to him, Ryan," Summer says. She accepts the phone from him. He turns over on his side and sighs heavily. "Mr. Cohen?"

"Summer? How is he? Really?"

"Ryan, I'm going to step outside and talk to Mr. Cohen," Summer says.

"Stay here. I don't care. I just want to sleep," Ryan murmurs. 

Summer sits on the edge of the bed. "He's okay. He's hurt pretty badly but I think he'll be better once he gets some rest. I don't want to push him to go to the hospital yet…"

"How badly, Summer?" Sandy asks.

"His side is pretty bruised but he seems to be breathing okay. His leg is bleeding…"

"Bleeding?"

"Yeah. I think he was stabbed," Summer whispers. She glances over and realizes that Ryan is sleeping because of the slow rise and fall of his chest.

"He won't go to a hospital."

"He's been drinking and stuff, Sandy," Summer whispers. 

"And stuff? What stuff?"

"He's tired and freaked out. He doesn't want you guys to see him like this. He needs some more time."

"God…do you think you can get him to a hospital?" Sandy asks.

"Not today. He's sleeping now. When he wakes up, I'll get on his case."

"Okay. But you're going to stay with him?" 

"Yeah. I'll call you guys back in a few hours with an update."

"Thank you, Summer. I don't know why, but I know you'll take care of him. Call us back every hour, okay?" 

"I'll try." She hangs up and glances at Ryan. She touches his shoulder and he doesn't react. He's sleeping. She lies down beside him and puts her arms around him. She won't lose him again. She hadn't realized how much she cared about him until he was gone. She needs him. She won't lose him again.

***** 

When Summer wakes up later, she is alone in bed. She panics. "Ryan? Ryan?"

"Hey, I'm right here," He says, stepping out of the bathroom. She is out of bed and in his arms.

"God, don't scare me like that," She says. He's wearing clean jeans and is shirtless.

"I had to go to the bathroom, that's all," Ryan says. 

Summer is crying softly and he rubs her back. 

"Don't cry, okay? I'm sorry I scared you…" He soothes.

"I…I thought you were gone again…you can't leave…I won't let you…"

"Summer, I…I'm not going anywhere, okay?" Ryan says. "It hurt too much this time…I don't want to run anymore…I want to try this time…"

"You promise?"

"I promise."

Summer wipes her eyes and looks at him. His eyes are more lucid than before and he isn't shaking. 

"How are you doing? What time is it?" Summer yawns.

"Early. Or late, depending on your perspective. Four a.m." Ryan limps slowly to the bed and sits down. He lights a cigarette.

"You hurt, don't you?"

"I'm okay."

"Your leg?"

"I'm okay, Summer."

"I want you to come to the hospital with me. As a sign of good faith," Summer says quietly. 

"A sign of good faith? God, Summer…" Ryan says, frustrated.

"Please. You look more rested and I'm worried about you. You need someone to take a look at that leg and your side, what if you broke some ribs or something?"

"I'm fine, Summer…"

"You're not fine. You're hurt. You have to go to a hospital, Ryan," She insists.

"You're not going to let this go, are you?" 

"No. Not until you're okay. Oh shit, I have to call the Cohens…" Summer remembers suddenly. 

Ryan lies down on the bed. 

"Ryan?"

"I'll go check out of the motel with the night clerk while you call." He stands up and pulls on a fresh shirt.

"You're checking out?"

"Well, I have to if we're going to the hospital, don't I?" Ryan responds. He leaves before she can respond. She sighs as she dials the Cohens.

"Hello?" Seth answers.

"It's me. I'm sorry, I fell asleep…"

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. He seems better. He's going to the hospital but he's not happy about it."

"But he's doing it for you, right?" Seth asks.

"Yeah. What's that supposed to mean?" Summer responds.

"Nothing, Summer. Did you tell him how you feel about him?" Seth asks.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm not mad, Summer, I'm over it. I just think it would help if you told him that you were in love with him. He trusts you more than any of us and…I just think it might help him."

"Seth, what makes you think I'm in love with him?"

"Don't bullshit me, Summer. You love Ryan. He probably loves you. He called you for help. He trusts you and he needs as much love as he can get at this point."

"Seth…"

"Whatever, Summer. What hospital are you taking him to?"

"We're in Chino, do you think I should drive him to HOAG?" Summer asks, relieved that Seth has dropped the subject.

"Let me ask my Dad…"

"He's still awake?"

"Did you think we'd be able to sleep?" Seth replies.

"Sorry."

"Hold on."

Summer waits several minutes. Ryan returns. He smiles at her, still moving stiffly with pain. He starts gathering his things. 

"Dad says we'll meet you at HOAG."

"Okay. We're leaving in a few minutes."

"Is he okay?"

"He's better, Seth. I just want him to go to the doctor just to be safe."

"Thanks. It's a good idea. We'll see you in an hour or so," Seth says.

Summer hangs up. "Where'd you get all this stuff?" She asks, seeing that Ryan has filled a new dufflebag with clothes.

"I went shopping. Bought new clothes." He hesitates suddenly and sits down on the bed.

"What?" She rushes to his side. 

"Nothing. I'm cool," He replies.

"Ryan…" She starts, sitting down beside him. He puts his arm around her and pulls her close. He kisses her. She returns his kiss and in minutes, they are entangled in each other's limbs on the bed. She is kissing him desperately but as she starts to unbutton his jeans, he gasps and turns away. 

"I'm sorry…wait…" He says. 

"No, I'm sorry…I forgot how hurt you were for a moment…I'm so sorry…" She apologizes.

"Hey, I started it…sorry I can't finish it right now," Ryan smiles sadly.

"Let's get you taken care of," Summer says. She stands up and offers him her hand. He takes her hand. 

***** 


	3. A Solution

__

AN: Still don't own anything. This one-shotter has developed into much more than I had intended but I'm glad that some people are still enjoying it. This is the last big chapter, I should be tying it up in the next chapter. Enjoy. 

*****Part Three*****

__

"And if it makes you less sad, 

I'll take your pictures all down. 

Every picture you paint, 

I will paint myself out.

It's cold as a tomb, 

and it's dark in your room, 

when I sneak to your bed 

to pour salt in your wounds. 

So call it quits or get a grip. 

Say you wanted a solution. 

You just wanted to be missed. 

Call me a safe bet. 

I'm betting I'm not. 

I'm glad that you can forgive.   
I'm only hoping as time goes, 

you can forget…"

--Brand New

Seth, Sandy and Kirsten walk slowly toward the emergency room. None of them knew what to expect when they got there. They don't know if Ryan is okay, if he's angry or what his state of mind is going to be when they get there. 

Summer surprises them all by meeting them by the entrance.

"Hey. Why aren't you with Ryan?" Seth asks immediately.

"He didn't want me there while they were examining him," Summer replies. She accepts Kirsten's gentle hug. 

"Where is he?" Sandy asks.

"They're putting some stitches in his leg while they're waiting for the x-rays to come back," Summer explains. 

"What happened to him?" Seth asks. Kirsten is silent, looking stricken.

"Apparently, he was scamming money by shooting pool and he got in a fight," Summer lies. She had agreed on the lie with Ryan on the way to the hospital. 

"Does he know we're coming?" Kirsten asks suddenly.

"Yeah. He knows. He's ready to come home, I think…but he's still a little…off."

"Off?" Seth asks.

"Yeah. You'll see…" Summer leads them into the hospital. A nurse stops her before she can get to the desk.

"Your boyfriend's asking for you," The nurse says.

Summer blushes but doesn't comment. "This is his family, the Cohens," Summer introduces.

"The doctor's looking for you guys. I'll take you where you can wait while I get him," The nurse smiles and leads the Cohens to a room down the hall. Summer slips past them to Ryan's room. 

Ryan is sitting on the edge of a bed with an ace bandage wrapped tightly around his chest and waist. He's wearing scrub pants since his jeans were ruined with blood. 

"Hey, baby," Summer smiles as he slowly gets down and wraps his arms around her small frame.

"Thanks."

"Don't thank me yet. The Cohens are here. How are you going to handle that?"

"I'm going to beg for forgiveness, what do you think I should do?" Ryan replies immediately. 

"Ryan…"

"I fucked up. Now I have to try and fix it. That's it. That's what I have to do," Ryan says.

"Something's up. It's just me and you, right now, Ryan. Tell me what's really going on in your head," She urges.

"That's it, Summer. No matter how I look at it, I just see how much I fucked up. Seth and I had a fight and I took off. Sandy and Kirsten begged me to stay and I took off. I can't do this by myself," Ryan says quietly. Summer shakes her head at him. She doesn't believe him, she doesn't recognize his voice.

"Ryan, stop. Talk to **me**." 

Ryan meets her gaze shakily as she takes his wrists in her hands and laces her fingers with his. "Summer…"

"Talk to me."

"I…I don't know what else to do so I'm giving up, Summer," He whispers. "I don't have anywhere else to go and since you say the Cohens still want me…"

"They do…"

"Then I don't have any other choice…"

"You always have a choice. Don't do this just for me…"

"Any reason's a good reason at this point. And I'm doing this for me, too. And Seth…and the Cohens…if I had just kept my head together then none of this would have happened…"

"Everyone makes mistakes, Ryan. This mess, it's not all your fault. It…"

"It just got out of control," Ryan finishes for her. 

"So. You're ready for this?" Summer asks.

"Almost," Ryan says. She looks up at him in surprise. 

"What?"

"It's just me and you, now, right?" He whispers. "Because…there's something I need to tell you…"

"What?" She whispers. He pulls her against him and hugs her. "Tell me…"

"I think that I'm falling…" He murmurs.

"Oh, that? You don't have to say it…" Summer laughs. She pulls away from him for a moment. "We don't need to talk about that right now." She smiles as she meets his gaze.

"I want to talk about it, right now. Who knows when we'll get the chance again?" Ryan whispers. 

"I'm not going anywhere, Ryan. I'm here for you. We're just friends…"

"Just friends?"

"Yeah. At least in front of the Cohens we are. When we're alone…" Summer starts. "Well, when we're alone, our relationship doesn't need a label. I…I love you."

"I love you, too," Ryan whispers. They embrace again. 

The doctor steps in with Sandy close beside him. Sandy's face breaks into a relieved smile. 

"Well, Mr. Atwood, I've spoken with your…guardian, and I'm prepared to release you, conditionally."

"Conditionally. What conditions?" Ryan asks as he separates from Summer. She keeps a tight grip on his hand. 

"You've got some cracked ribs, Ryan, and we put twenty-five stitches in your upper thigh. Honestly, I don't know how you're walking around on your own now. Your side is deeply bruised but I can't find any sign of internal bleeding but it's going to be sore several days. I want you to stay off your feet as much as possible so you don't damage the stitches we put in. I don't want you running around town picking fights. I'm prepared to release you as long as you agree to take it easy and you return home with the Cohens. If you intend on taking off again, I'm prepared to keep you a few days for observation," The doctor says. 

"Are you ready to come home?" Sandy asks quietly. Ryan meets his gaze for a long moment. He lowers his gaze as he nods. 

"I'm prescribing some antibiotics to fight infection in your leg as well as some painkillers…" The doctor begins. Ryan shakes his head slightly and Summer catches the motion. 

"No painkillers?" She asks. Ryan meets her gaze.

The doctor hesitates and glances at Sandy for a beat. 

"Can I have a few minutes with you?" Sandy asks Ryan pointedly. He nods. 

"I'll start getting the paperwork ready," The doctor says as he exits.

"You okay?" Summer whispers.

"Yeah. It's cool," He says, squeezing her hand.

"I'll be outside if you need me," Summer promises and exits. 

"Sandy. I'm sorry," Ryan says slowly. Sandy steps over and embraces him roughly, not thinking of Ryan's hurt ribs. 

"Are you okay?" Sandy asks.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Because you don't look okay. Not at all," Sandy replies.

"I'm okay," Ryan says quietly. 

"And you're ready to come home?"

"If the invitation's still open," Ryan mutters.

"Ryan. You're a part of our family. You belong with us. We've all made mistakes and the important thing right now is that you come home and we can fix them together," Sandy says.

Ryan nods. 

"What happened?" Sandy asks.

"I…"

"Don't give me that line about pool, Ryan. I talked to the doctor," Sandy states slowly. He meets Ryan's gaze. "He ran a drug screen."

Ryan nods.

"I don't know what to think, Ryan…" Sandy starts.

"I needed money, Sandy. The fastest way to make money…is to sell. So I got a friend of mine to front me some coke and I sold it. I had to prove that I wasn't a cop so I had to…I had to prove that I wasn't a cop," Ryan says slowly.

Sandy nods. "Okay. Your blood alcohol level was pretty high as well, kid."

"I've been drinking since I left. I…I tried not to let the cocaine get me, I only did a little…but I've been drinking a lot…"

"Any cocaine is too much, Ryan. But I'm willing to let it slide if you promise…"

"No more, Sandy. I know better. I'm sorry…"

"We're outlawing apologies, Ryan. No more apologizing. We're past all that. No more drugs, no more drinking. You're coming home and that's all that matters," Sandy says. "Okay?"

"Okay," Ryan nods. 

Sandy hugs Ryan again as the doctor returns with Kirsten, Seth and Summer. 

"Sandy!" Kirsten scolds, seeing the pain on Ryan's face as she enters. 

Summer gives Ryan a reassuring smile as Sandy releases him.

"Take it easy on him, Mr. Cohen," The doctor echoes. "His ribs are going to be giving him a lot of pain for the next few weeks while they heal. Off the leg, Ryan." Ryan sits down on the edge of the bed immediately.

"I'm sorry, Ryan…" Sandy gasps.

"It's okay, I swear. I'm fine," Ryan says immediately.

Seth stands several steps behind his mother, tentative. Ryan meets his gaze and they both lower their eyes when they make eye contact. 

"Mr. Cohen, would you mind stepping outside with me? I have all the paperwork ready for Ryan's release," The doctor says. Sandy follows the doctor outside the room.

"Ryan. Thank God you're okay," Kirsten says and immediately embraces him once the doctor and Sandy are gone. He accepts her hug, returning it timidly as he stands up. Seth's eyes are glued to the floor. Summer nudges him. 

"Are you okay? Really?" Kirsten probes. 

"I'm okay. I think," Ryan replies quietly. He glances over Kirsten's shoulder and looks at Seth. "I guess we'll find out," He adds. He steps past Kirsten and starts to reach for Seth's arm.

Seth visibly flinches, glancing up in surprise. 

"I'm not going to hit you," Ryan says, lowering his hands and retreating back toward the bed several steps. "I just…I wanted to…"

"Ryan, I'm sorry," Seth apologizes immediately. The tension in the room thickens as Seth steps toward Ryan. 

Ryan raises his hands in surrender and Summer, Seth and Kirsten are surprised to see his hands shaking with emotion. "It's cool. Everything's cool…"

"Yeah. Everything's cool, so why don't we all relax?" Summer says. She puts her hand on Seth's back, urging him silently to say something.

"I'm sorry, Ryan. About everything. I overreacted, as usual, I was selfish and not thinking straight…" Seth starts to babble. 

"Hey. Me, too. Everything you said," Ryan interrupts. "Really, Seth. I'm sorry," He states as he leans against the bed without sitting down.

"Yeah." Seth holds out his hand and Ryan clasps it. Seth pulls him into a hug as the doctor returns with Sandy. 

"I think with this family, we're going to have to eliminate hugs until Mr. Atwood recovers a little more," The doctor says, seeing Ryan's pained expression. "Off the leg." Ryan sits down again on the bed with a sigh. 

"Sorry," Seth flushes as he steps back. Summer fills the space at Ryan's side, her hand finding his and squeezing tightly. He gives her a relieved smile. 

"It's okay," Ryan sighs.

"Mr. Atwood is free to go. I've discussed with him how to take care of himself and I've went over all of that with Mr. Cohen," The doctor says. "I don't want to see you back here anytime soon," He adds. He leaves a stack of papers with Sandy and exits. 

"Me either," Ryan replies. 

"Are you coming home?" Seth asks.

Ryan nods. Seth allows himself to smile for the first time. 

"Good. It's going to be good having you home," Seth says. "You've been gone too long."

Ryan doesn't respond. Summer glances at him and sees that his blue eyes are glazed. 

"Did he give you something, Ryan?" Summer asks.

"What?" Ryan asks, distracted. He focuses on her.

"Did the doctor give you something? You look a little out of it," She adds.

"He gave me a shot for pain," Ryan replies. "I feel like I'm dead weight all of a sudden."

"Summer, are you bringing him in your car?" Kirsten asks suddenly. She is standing beside Sandy, unsure.

"I…is that okay?" Summer asks, surprised. 

"Of course. You brought him back to us, Summer. You've been at the house pretty much constantly lately anyway," Kirsten smiles.

"It's late. Let's get you home," Sandy says to Ryan.

"I'll see you back at the house," Seth tells Ryan. Summer doesn't release Ryan's hand as he slowly stands up. He staggers slightly as he adjusts to the weight on his leg again. She puts her arm around him and they follow the Cohens into the parking lot. 

"We'll be right behind you," Summer calls to Sandy as they separate and get into their cars. She unlocks Ryan's door and he sits down heavily in the seat and waits for her to get into the driver's seat.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I think I'm okay," Ryan says.

"You sure?" She asks as she starts the car.

"Yeah, Summer. That was…that was amazingly painless. Seeing the Cohens, I mean."

"You're going home, Ryan. That's all I wanted. That's all any of us wanted," Summer replies. 

Ryan's eyelids were drooping. "Sandy knows that I used while I was gone. The doctor told him."

"What did he say?"

"He said that he understood, I guess. He listened to me. He said he'd let it slide this time as long as I didn't do it again. I'm sure that's not the end of it, but it was nice…it was nice that he listened to me," Ryan says quietly.

"He wants you home safe with him, Ryan. He cares about you. They all do…"

"I know. I care about them, too. I…my head's messed up, Summer. Everything got so twisted…" He starts. 

"Hush. No more of that tonight," She says suddenly. She reaches over and takes his hand. "Everything's okay now. For now, everything's okay."

"Thanks."

They ride in silence for several miles and when Summer glances back to him, he's sleeping.

***** 

"Ryan? Ryan, we're here," Summer wakes him up with her voice. Ryan glances around, disoriented for a moment before he recognizes Summer's car and the Cohen driveway. 

"I'm up," Ryan says. He opens the door and slowly steps out of her car.

"Ryan, there's been some changes since you've been gone," Sandy says. He steadies Ryan as he sways slightly with a hand on his shoulder.

"Okay. What kind of changes?" Ryan asks.

"No more poolhouse. You're a part of our family and you should be inside the house with us," Kirsten says. Summer and Seth glance at each other. They didn't know. 

"So you can watch me," Ryan says after a beat.

"No. Not entirely. You should be in the house like a member of the family. You're not hired help. You're our son," Kirsten says. She is adamant. "You belong in the house."

"Okay, Kirsten. Whatever you think is best," Ryan says.

"You sure?" Seth asks.

"Yeah. It's cool. I'm too tired to argue. It's really fine, it's not that big of a deal," Ryan promises. 

"Let's get you to bed," Sandy says. 

"Mr. and Mrs. Cohen…" Summer starts.

"Come on in, Summer," Seth says. "You know that you're welcome," He adds.

"Do you want me to bring you something to eat before you fall asleep?" Kirsten asks as they all walk into the house.

"I'm not hungry…" Ryan starts.

"When's the last time you ate something?" Summer interrupts. He doesn't respond. "As much as you've been drinking, you have to put some food in your stomach…"

"Summer," Ryan stops her. "It's cool. I promise I'll eat first thing in the morning," He says. She realizes that he's barely able to stand from exhaustion. She takes his hand.

"Oh. Sorry," Summer says, flushing. 

Ryan smiles. "It's okay. Where do I go?" He turns back to the Cohens.

"I'll show you," Kirsten says quietly. Sandy and Seth both leave Ryan with the women and disappear into the kitchen.

Kirsten follows Ryan and Summer up the stairs to the second floor. Kirsten points toward the guestroom and Ryan nods and steps inside. He recognizes his clothes hanging in the closet as well as his books and assorted papers from school on a desk by the window. Summer doesn't let go of his hand.

"Rosa and Sandy moved all your things yesterday," Kirsten says, still hesitant.

"It's fine," Ryan says quietly. "Is it okay if I just crash? We can have all these uncomfortable conversations first thing in the morning."

"Sure, Ryan," Kirsten replies. She gives him a gentle hug. "Get some sleep."

Ryan sits down on the bed and Summer sits down beside him. 

Kirsten goes to the door and turns back to speak to them. "I know you guys are just friends and everything, but…"

"No funny business, I swear," Summer finishes. "Is it okay if…"

"If the bed is too crowded, Summer, you're welcome to the downstairs guestroom or the couch. Both of you need to get some sleep," Kirsten says as she closes the door behind her. 

"They're great," Summer says quietly.

"I know," Ryan sighs. "Makes me wonder why I ended up here in the first place."

"Ryan?"

"You want to sleep with me?" Ryan asks. She looks at him in surprise. He's smiling playfully. 

She laughs. "I'd rather ravish you, but if you want to sleep," She replies. As she pulls the covers back, Ryan stands up and slowly pulls his shirt off. 

"My ribs are killing me," Ryan says as she steps beside him.

"Do you have to leave them wrapped when you sleep?" Summer asks.

"I think so," Ryan sighs.

"Come to bed," Summer urges.

"Will you do something for me in return?" He asks. 

"Ryan, stop," She laughs, thinking he's joking.

"Seriously?" He takes her hands. They feel the need to touch each other when they were near. It was automatic.

"Okay," She says.

He kisses her forehead. "Eat. Take a shower. Change clothes. I know how you hate to wear the same outfit two days running."

She smiles. "I don't want to leave you…"

"Then don't. I'll be right here. Just come back, okay?" He pulls her into a gentle embrace. 

"Okay," Summer concedes. He pulls away from her and lies down on the bed. He sighs.

"I'll be back soon," She says.

"'Kay," He murmurs.

***** 

Summer finds Seth and his parents in the kitchen eating bagels.

"You must be starving," Sandy says, offering her a bagel. She accepts.

"Thanks."

"How's Ryan?" Kirsten asks.

"He sent me away," She says. "I have to eat and shower before I'm allowed back. So he's okay."

"I'm glad you're staying with him," Seth says suddenly. "I mean, you're helping, I think. You guys seem good for each other…"

"Maybe you should tell Ryan that, Seth," Sandy says.

Seth nods. "I will."

"Thanks, Seth. I mean…we're just friends…" Summer starts.

"You better get a new line, Summer, 'cause none of us believe you," Kirsten smiles.

"There're many definitions of the word 'friend', now, Kirsten," Sandy laughs.

"Do you have and 'friends' like Summer, Sandy?" Kirsten replies.

"I don't like where this is heading," Seth laughs.

"I'll put fresh towels in the guest bathroom, Summer," Kirsten says, leaving.

"And I'm going to bed. I'll see you kids in the morning. The later morning," Sandy says. 

Seth pats the stool beside him. Summer sits down. She takes a bite of her bagel.

"So. Is Ryan…is he cool with me?"

"Are you cool with him? I mean, really?" Summer responds.

"Absolutely," Seth answers immediately. "I…I am so in love with Anna right now, Summer…I mean, this whole thing was like a wake up call. It tested our relationship, it made me focus on what's really important to me, what's **real**…" He sighs. "And I love Anna. She's real…and good…and I love Ryan…nothing's worth losing him…"

"I think he needs to hear you say that, Seth. He really needs to hear it. Because he's home but I'm not sure of the real reason he's home. We have to make him see that he belongs here."

***** 

Kirsten gets up around noon. Seth and Sandy are still sleeping. Everyone is exhausted by the past few days. Kirsten sees that Ryan's door is half-open. She steps inside. 

Summer is curled against Ryan's chest in a set of his sweats. Ryan is awake, his eyes are closed but he is massaging his temples with one hand.

"Ryan? How're you feeling?"

"I shouldn't answer that," Ryan smiles sadly. He glances at Summer.

"Come down for breakfast. Don't wake her. You can come right back."

Ryan disentangles himself from Summer, who doesn't wake. He slowly makes his way down the stairs into the kitchen. He sits down at the counter, wincing.

"You have medicine, Ryan," Kirsten says.

"It's okay…"

"You're obviously in pain," She replies.

"I don't want them," He says quietly.

"Why? Ryan, why suffer…"

"I used drugs while I was gone, Kirsten," Ryan says quietly.

Kirsten doesn't react. "I know, Ryan. Sandy told me."

"And you still want me to take these narcotics? Prescriptions or not…" Ryan starts.

"I'm in charge of the drugs, Ryan." She hesitates, considering her words.

"I messed up, Mrs. Cohen," Ryan says suddenly. "I found myself sitting alone, drunk, staring at this pile of cocaine and I…I was my father. I was my mother. Shit, I was Trey for a minute and I just…I don't want to…"

"You came home, Ryan," Kirsten interrupts softly. "You aren't any of those people. You're Ryan. You're unique. You're strong and smart and irreplaceable." She sets a box of cereal in front of him. He sees that she's shaking.

"I'm sorry," He apologizes for upsetting her.

"No, it's fine…you just surprised me. You don't usually talk to me…"

"I don't usually talk to anyone," Ryan smiles, breaking the tension.

"Sandy and I have talked about this, Ryan. The doctor…he said that you would be in a lot of pain. He said you shouldn't be walking around…"

"I'm fine…"

"I don't believe you. You're in too much pain to hide it, Ryan. Please. Take something," Kirsten urges.

Ryan sighs. 

"Please. I don't want you to be in pain, Ryan," Kirsten says. 

He closes his eyes.

"We trust you. You knew that what you were doing was wrong and you stopped yourself…"

"I tried…"

"You did. You called for help. You came home. You don't have to do everything by yourself. We all made mistakes in the past few months, Ryan. We brought you into our family and didn't do anything to make you feel like you belonged with us. We neglected you, just like your mom…"

"Kirsten…" Ryan starts.

"No, let me say it, Ryan. It has to be said," She interrupts. "I love you. Sandy and I…we've been so caught up in our own issues lately and we haven't been giving you or Seth any attention. Seth…he knows that we love him, he's always known that because he's always been with us. You…you have no reason to trust us. But you can…"

"I do. Trust you, I mean. Sometimes…sometimes I can't think straight, like, I let my emotions take over and…fight or flight mentality, I guess," Ryan says slowly. "It was just everything at once. I was hanging out with my old friends, nothing that I did around here really mattered…"

"It mattered, Ryan," She says quietly.

"And then Seth was so angry at me for even being friends with Summer…I didn't really think it would matter if I left…I didn't consider the consequences of my decision, I just had to leave," Ryan sighs.

"I'm sorry, Ryan."

"I made a mistake."

"We all made mistakes. But you're home now."

He nods. "I'm home."

"And if you ever come close to getting upset enough that you feel like you need to leave, I hope you'll come to me, or Sandy and talk to us. You can talk to us, Ryan," Kirsten says.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It's too early for apologies, Ryan," Sandy yawns, stepping into the kitchen.

"It's after twelve," Kirsten smiles.

"Still too early for apologies. Everything okay?"

"Fine. We were just talking. I'm trying to get Ryan to take some pain medication," Kirsten tells Sandy. Ryan picks at his dry cereal. 

"And how's that coming?" Sandy asks, sitting down beside Ryan.

"He doesn't want to," Kirsten replies.

"Ryan…" Sandy starts.

"If you're going to double team me then I have no defenses," Ryan sighs. 

"Hey. You're more paranoid about your drug use than we are at this point. It's for the best, Ryan. It'll make you feel better. When you start looking better…" Sandy says.

"Whatever you think," Ryan replies. "I'll do whatever you think."

Kirsten sets several bottles of medication on the counter. "Okay. We have antibiotics for your leg, painkillers and anti-inflammatory meds for your ribs and food as soon as Rosa comes in."

"Okay," Ryan says. He accepts the pills that she places in his hand. Sandy pats him on the back, gently. Ryan swallows the pills in a single swallow. 

"How're you doing otherwise?" Sandy asks. 

"I'm okay. Really," Ryan gives Sandy a slight smile. 

"I think we're doing well with the not-smothering," Kirsten grins.

"So. Can we talk about that girl in your bed?" Sandy asks.

"We're friends…" Ryan starts.

"Stop. You guys are more than friends. Does Marissa…"

"Marissa broke up with me. She fell in love with some french guy. She's been seeing him for weeks," Ryan shrugs.

"Ryan, I'm sorry…" Sandy says.

"It's okay," Ryan shrugs. "I don't think she cared about me that much, anyway."

"So what about Summer?" Kirsten asks. 

"We're friends," Ryan replies.

"Friends that have sex?" Sandy probes. 

Ryan blushes. "We didn't…"

"You guys are obviously…closer than friends, Ryan. You don't have to keep denying it."

"We're undefined, okay?" Ryan says finally. "We don't need to define our relationship or how it works. All we need to know is that it works. We're friends."

"Okay, Ryan. Thanks for clearing that up," Kirsten laughs. Rosa appears with several containers of food. She gives Ryan a hug and mutters to him in Spanish. 

"Gracias, Rosa," Ryan replies with a smile. 

Kirsten and Sandy start laying out the food and Ryan actually eats several small servings of food. 

"Is that all you want?" Sandy asks him.

"I'm not really hungry. If you don't eat for a few days, the hunger pains disappear. If I overdo it today, I'll regret it later. I need to take it slow," Ryan sighs.

"Sounds like a plan," Sandy nods. 

"You still look exhausted. Why don't you go back to bed for a while?"

"Is that okay?" Ryan asks, surprised.

"Just like with the eating, we'll make you talk in small doses," Sandy smiles. 

"Thanks."

***** 


	4. Closer

**__**

AN: Okay. So this isn't the end I was planning, but it's closer. There'll be at least one more chapter, I have to try and resolve all this drama for my poor Newpsies. Don't blame me for stretching out the drama, blame 1) Saint Patrick for making a holiday all about drinking 2) Pearl Vodka, it comes in a pretty bottle but tastes like ass and 3) Ryan Adams for doing that damned remake of "Wonderwall" that was on repeat last night and inspired all this. 

*****Part Four *****

"You are calm and reposed. 

Let your beauty unfold. 

Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. 

Spring keeps you ever close…"

--Brand New

Ryan wakes up and is disoriented for a moment as his eyes adjust to the darkened room. When he sits up he realizes that he's alone in bed and the only light in the room is from the hallway. It takes a second for the pain to slam into him and he lies back down. 

"He's been asleep so long, are you sure we shouldn't wake him?" Seth's voice drifts in from the hall. "He should eat something…"

Ryan sits up again, slower this time. He painstakingly gets to his feet. 

"He ate this morning, he might need sleep more right now…" Kirsten is saying.

"Hey," Ryan says, stepping out. He holds the doorjamb for support.

"God, dude, did we wake you?" Seth asks.

"Nah. Can I get a shower?" Ryan asks.

"Of course. I'll go make sure there're towels," Kirsten says immediately.

Seth is quiet as they stand in the hallway.

"Dude, can you help me?" Ryan holds up his arms. "There's some clips holding this fucker on."

"Not a fan of the ace bandage?" Seth smiles, unfastening the clips. The wrap expands and Ryan takes a ragged breath.

"God, that's great," Ryan says.

"Spin," Seth says. Ryan turns in place several times until Seth has a handful of bandage material and Ryan's chest and abdomen is bare.

"Damn, man," Seth comments on Ryan's discolored body. 

Ryan is dizzy and staggers but Seth steadies him by taking his shoulders in his hands. 

"Thanks. No more spin," Ryan says.

"Ryan, there're plenty of towels…oh god…" Kirsten stops cold at Ryan's condition. 

"It looks worse than it is," Ryan says.

"You're an awful liar," Seth says.

"Shower. I'll be down in a few minutes," Ryan replies, uncomfortable under their examination. He walks past them to the bathroom.

"And Ryan?" Seth calls. Ryan turns. "Summer had to make an appearance at her dad's hospital fundraiser and she'll be back later."

Ryan blinks. "Thanks."

"Dinner's downstairs, Ryan. When you're ready," Kirsten says.

Ryan takes a hot shower that gives him short-lived relief. After he dresses in loose fitting pants and a wife-beater, his body is wracked with pain. He sits down on the bed. He feels worse now than when he first took the beating.

"Ryan?" Seth's voice is tentative. 

"I'm decent," Ryan replies.

"Everything okay?" Seth steps inside.

"Yeah. I'm just in slow motion right now. Moving hurts more than I remember."

"Pool's a pretty dangerous game."

Ryan sighs. "It wasn't pool."

Seth is clearly surprised. "Oh. Okay."

"I needed fast money. So. I made fast money."

Seth shakes his head, confused. "Elaborate, dude, please…" 

"I was selling. Drugs. And this guy tried to jack me…"

"God, dude," Seth laughs, relieved. "I thought you were going to tell me you, like, pimped, or took a murder for hire or something."

Ryan doesn't react as Seth laughs harder.

"I'm sorry, I just pictured you in a purple suit with a fur coat and hat with feathers…" 

Ryan smiles, amused. "Do I get a pimp cane?"

Seth laughs and finally, Ryan joins him. 

"Oh god, baby, what drugs did they give you? Seth? He's laughing…" Summer rushes in, alarmed.

"No, Dude, its okay," Seth says.

"Ryan?" Summer calls, sitting down beside him.

"He thinks I'm a pimp," Ryan says evenly.

Summer glances between them. "What?"

"You look nice," Ryan tells her. She's dressed in a short red dress and her hair is up.

"See? Prime example of pimpage," Seth says.

"Maybe. But I'm not giving him any money," Summer replies.

"Not yet," Seth grins.

"Everything okay? Really?" Summer asks. 

"Yeah. I was just telling Seth about the dangers of drug dealing," Ryan says quietly.

"It's not cool," Summer states.

"No, it's not cool at all. It's dangerous and illegal and it sucks. But it doesn't matter now. It doesn't change anything," Seth says.

"Really," Ryan whispers, blankly.

"It doesn't change the fact that I'm sorry. I was wrong and I'm sorry," Seth says.

"I'm sorry, too," Ryan replies quietly.

"And I'm glad you're back," Seth adds.

"Me, too."

"Anna's bringing our homework over in a little while," Seth says. "And just fair warning, you've got papers due, pimp."

Ryan gives him the finger.

"At least its Friday," Summer says.

"Hell yes. And Ryan hasn't played any of the new games that Marissa sent us from Paris…" Seth says.

"Wait," Ryan says. "Rewind. Marissa sent something here?"

"Yeah. I thought you saw it or…damn…" Seth flushes red.

"They broke up, Seth. Before he ran off," Summer says quietly.

"Oh. Well, this box came a couple of days ago. It was full of ps2 games, chocolate and some random French techno," Seth explains. "Dad opened it because it had "For the Cohens" on the box," He adds.

"No, it's cool. It's just weird. Has she called?" Ryan asks.

"Not that I know of. There was no letter, just a card with Marissa's name on it."

"Don't stress, Ryan," Summer says quietly.

Ryan puts an arm around her. "I'm not. Kirsten mentioned dinner?"

"Come on."

***** 

Ryan manages to eat enough food to stop Kirsten and Summer's worried nagging. By the end of the meal, Seth has threatened to force feed him pasta if he can't make the ladies stop.

Anna joins them while Seth and Summer are doing the dishes. She gives Ryan a gentle hug. 

"It's good to see you," She says. 

"Thanks. Thanks for watching Seth while I was gone," He smiles.

"Seth is definitely high maintenance with or without you," Anna smiles. 

"But Ryan's home now and everything's okay," Seth says.

"Well, you definitely don't look okay," Anna says to Ryan. "What happened to you?"

"Well. I took a beating. But I messed the other guy up pretty good," Ryan says quietly. 

"People tell me you're a thug, Ryan, but I never believed it until now," Anna teases.

"I guess it's all about your environment," Ryan says. He is watching Summer who is painfully quiet. Anna watches Ryan, intrigued.

"Shit, everyone knows Ryan's from Chino. Chino is like, the Californian's equivalent of hell," Seth laughs.

"Fuck you," Ryan laughs. He gets up and walks to Summer's side. Her forearms are blanketed with suds. "Hey. You all right?"

"Yeah. What's up?" She asks, not looking at him.

"How was your dad's thing?"

"Boring and…" She hesitates. "And enlightening,"

Ryan nods, brushing her arms free of lather and clasping her hands as he turns her to face him. "What happened?" 

Summer glances at Anna but Seth has pulled her into a loving embrace. Summer buries her face into Ryan's shoulder as she links her hands around his waist. "He's a bastard."

"Your dad?"

"Yeah. He didn't…he doesn't care about me…I'm just an extra expense on his account…"

"Hey," Ryan says, tilting her chin so she meets his intense gaze. "Listen. Fuck your dad. You're special. You're important. You're awesome, Summer…you don't need his approval, you don't owe him anything."

Summer lowers her gaze. Ryan pulls her against him.

"Please…you're so special, Summer…" Ryan murmurs. 

Summer finds his lips and kisses him deeply. She puts her hands on his head and keeps his mouth pressed against hers. She needs to taste him. She needs him to feel how she feels. 

"Summer. Summer…Summer, come on…" Anna's voice snaps her out of her daze. She releases Ryan, letting Anna pull her away. 

"He can't breathe," Seth says. Seth has Ryan by the shoulders. Ryan's blue eyes are dull and glazed. He is breathing shallowly. 

"Ryan?" Summer calls, panicked.

"Ryan. You're okay, okay? Look at me," Seth urges. Ryan meets his gaze. Seth holds his arms. "It's cool…"

"It's cool? You're not mad?" Ryan whispers, confused.

"No, Ryan, no, man…" Seth says.

"Please…I'm sorry…let me go," Ryan mutters. Seth lets go, stepping back and holding his hands up.

"Ryan…Ryan, do you know where you are?" Anna asks calmly. Ryan shudders as he puts his hands against the counter to support himself.

"Baby…" Summer starts.

"Summer? What…what's wrong? Anna?" Ryan's eyes clear suddenly and he's alarmed at their alarmed expressions.

"Everything's cool, Ryan…" Anna says. Summer embraces him desperately. 

"Summer…Damn that hurts…" Ryan says.

"God, I'm sorry…" She gasps.

"It's cool…god knows how much you hurt me…" He smiles as he whispers in her ear, not releasing her.

"We have a motion for a ten minute recess before studying," Seth announces.

"Second," Ryan mutters. 

"Show of hands?" Seth calls. Summer, Anna, Ryan and himself all raise their hands. "Motion carried."

"Twenty minutes in the poolhouse?" Summer offers.

"Deal." Seth turns to Ryan. "Mom made it into a sort of clubhouse or something. PS2, all the movie channels and 2 queen-sized futons for Mr. Pimp over here."

Ryan gives him the finger. Summer and Anna are watching each other. 

"Hey, baby. I need you to help me. I promise I'll make it worth your while," Ryan says to Summer.

"Okay. What's up?"

"Can you help me wrap my ribs?" Ryan whispers. 

"Can you talk me through it?"

"Yeah, and we can talk."

Summer nods. 

"Poolhouse. 20 minutes," Anna repeats. 

"Ten-forty," Summer responds.

"Whatever," Seth laughs. 

Upstairs in Ryan's new room, Summer is just clamping the ace bandage tightly around his chest. Despite the painkillers, he has tears running from his tightly closed eyes. 

"Ryan?"

"Thanks," Ryan replies. He kisses her and she lets him pin her against the bed as they enjoy each other's flavor. 

Between kisses, she moans his name.

"You okay?" He breathes into her neck. Their hands are exploring each other's bodies. 

"No…" She moans. "Please…"

He freezes, sitting up and paling. 

"Ryan…" She starts.

"No, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" Ryan says, staggering to his feet. "I have to go…"

"No, don't, please, Ryan…" She cries. He stumbles out the door into the hallway and down the stairs. Seth catches him by the arms in the kitchen.

"Ryan, hey…chill out…"

Ryan is breathing rapidly and his blue eyes are dull like before in the kitchen. "I messed up…I…"

"Dude, just breathe…come on…sit down with me…" Seth urges. 

Ryan hesitates but relaxes and sits down in the kitchen floor.

"Not what I had in mind but it works," Seth says. He doesn't want to panic but Ryan's demeanor is all wrong. He crouches beside Ryan in the floor. "What's up?"

"I…I can't…what…" Ryan mutters.

"Slow down, Ryan. Breathe, okay?"

Ryan meets Seth's worried gaze and nods. He is clearly disoriented. Summer rushes in with Kirsten behind her. 

"I'm sorry, it's my fault…" Summer is saying. "I just…I didn't want to hurt him and…"

"Ryan?" Seth calls. Ryan doesn't react immediately. His eyes are locked on the floor where he is sitting. "Ryan, what's wrong?"

"What?" Ryan murmurs. He puts a hand to his head. 

"Summer, what happened?" Kirsten leaves Seth with Ryan in the floor and turns to face Summer. 

"I wrapped his chest for him and then we were…kissing and…" Summer says, crying softly.

"I think it's the medication," Seth says suddenly. He waves his hand in front of Ryan's glazed eyes. Ryan blinks at him. "He's all spacy."

"Spacy?" Ryan repeats. "What?"

Summer leaves Kirsten's side and goes to Ryan and puts her hand on his shoulder. He flinches, sliding away from her until his back is against the counter. He looks up at her in alarm.

"Ryan, baby…I'm sorry…" Summer says, startled by his reaction to her touch. 

"What? What's going on?" Ryan is clearly confused. He glances around. 

"Everybody should just relax," Kirsten says. "Summer, go wait in the poolhouse for a few minutes. Please?" 

"I'll be right outside," Summer tells Ryan who looks at her blankly. She leaves, meeting Anna by the door and pulling her back out of the house.

"Ryan. Can you look at me?" Kirsten kneels beside Seth. Ryan meets her gaze slowly. "Tell me where you are."

"What?" Ryan mutters.

"Where are you, Ryan?" Seth echoes. 

"I'm…I'm at your house…in the kitchen…" Ryan says, his eyes clearing slightly. "What…what's going on?"

"You lost it for a few minutes, man…what's going on?" Seth asks, relieved that Ryan is more lucid.

"I…everything's fuzzy all of a sudden…" Ryan admits. "Why am I in the floor?"

Kirsten helps him to his feet. "I walked in and both of you were in the floor. Are you okay?"

"Yeah…I guess these painkillers are a little stronger than I thought, or maybe I just slept through the effects last time I took them," Ryan says, sitting down on a stool. 

"You really freaked us out, man. You were on your way out of here when I stopped you," Seth says. "What do you remember?"

"I was…Summer was helping me wrap my ribs and then I was here," Ryan replies quietly. "Did I do something? Did I hurt her?"

"No, honey, I sent her outside because I could only deal with one hysterical teenager at a time. She was pretty upset, she thought she upset you and…" Kirsten says.

"I need to talk to her," Ryan says immediately.

"I want you to take a few minutes first, Ryan. Catch your breath, okay? Seth, go tell Summer that Ryan's okay," Kirsten says as Sandy enters with a yawn. 

"What's going on?" Sandy asks.

"You missed all the excitement," Kirsten says as she sits down beside Ryan. 

"Excitement? In this house? I don't believe it," Sandy jokes. He quickly turns serious as he catches his wife's mood. 

"These drugs are making me space out," Ryan tells Sandy. "Apparently, I freaked out and Seth had to keep me from bolting."

Sandy is immediately concerned. "The drugs? You didn't say anything when we gave them to you this morning…"

"I slept pretty hard. I think that the drugs don't go well with consciousness," Ryan replies quietly. 

"But you're okay now?" Sandy asks.

"I think so. I thought I was okay before," Ryan replies. 

Summer follows Seth inside and immediately goes to Ryan and embraces him. "You scared the hell out of me…"

"I'm sorry," He whispers as she starts to cry. He holds her tightly as she sobs. "I didn't mean to scare you…"

Sandy and Kirsten glance at each other, concerned. Seth shakes his head at them, warning them not to separate them yet. 

"Hey…it's cool…don't cry…please don't cry anymore, I've seen enough tears from you tonight," Ryan says quietly. She sniffles and nods silently, trying to curb her emotion.

"I think it's a little soon for you to start studying…" Kirsten says suddenly.

"Seth says I have overdue papers," Ryan says.

"They can wait until tomorrow," Sandy replies. "I think you should go back to bed."

"I can handle it, I think," Ryan offers. "Really…I think I'm okay."

"We'll take care of him, Dad," Seth says. "We'll be in the poolhouse and if anything happens, we'll come get you."

"He needs to be around people," Summer says quietly. 

Kirsten gives Sandy a nod. "Okay. That's okay. Ryan, if you need anything…"

"I'm okay, I think. Thanks," Ryan says. 

"Come on, Anna's got everything laid out for us," Seth leads them outside. Summer keeps her arm around Ryan's waist and walks slowly with him. 

"I'm sorry about earlier, I don't know what happened," Ryan tells Summer.

"We were…we were in the middle of something and you asked me if I was okay and…"

"Yeah? And?" Ryan probes as she stops speaking.

"I didn't want to hurt you, you're so…bruised and I didn't want us to go too far because…" She hesitates. "But you know that…"

"It's fine, Summer. Really. I'm just a little cloudy from these painkillers," Ryan says soothingly. They walk into the poolhouse. 

"You guys are certainly good friends," Anna teases from one of the futons. Seth sits down beside her and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

Summer rolls her eyes at her but smiles as she sits down with Ryan on the futon across from theirs. 

"Yeah. We are," Ryan replies dryly. Summer shoves him.

"But everything's okay now, right? You…you're okay?" Anna asks Ryan, concerned.

"I'm cool. I just spaced out a little," Ryan admits. 

"Ryan?" Summer's brown eyes search his face. 

"I told you, Summer. Everything's cool, okay? Just relax," Ryan smiles at her. She leans over to kiss him and he turns his face away slightly so it lands on his cheek. She recoils. 

"Ryan…"

"Later, okay, baby? Everything's okay, but I don't want to do this now," Ryan whispers gently. He cups her chin and looks in her eyes. "Not right now, okay?"

"Okay," She concedes. He can tell that she doesn't understand by looking at her but he doesn't elaborate. 

"Ryan, here's your stack of work," Anna tosses a thick folder of assignments across the room to land on the futon. 

Ryan puts an arm around Summer who curls against him as he accepts the folder, flipping it open. 

"Told you that you had papers due," Seth says, watching him carefully.

"Yeah, but they were already assigned. I was about a week ahead before I took off. I have some of these done already," Ryan says as he flips through.

"Really? You actually follow that syllabus thing they pass out every year?" Seth scoffs.

"Yeah. This is better than I thought. It looks like I'm still on schedule, I'm just not ahead anymore," Ryan comments. 

"That's great, dude. So you can spend the weekend slacking off with the rest of us," Seth grins.

"Or he could spend it getting ahead again," Anna shoves Seth playfully. 

"Ryan," Summer says. He looks at her and follows her gaze to the patio. Ryan recognizes Marissa approaching the poolhouse. "What do you want to do?"

"Nothing," Ryan shrugs. "There's nothing between us anymore," He adds.

"Well, it doesn't look like she thinks so. She's got flowers for you," Anna says. Seth is already on his feet. 

"I'll take care of this," Seth says, closing the door behind him as he walks out to meet Marissa.

"Hey, Seth, how are you?" Marissa smiles widely and gives him a friendly hug.

"Fine, you just getting back?" Seth asks. 

"Yeah, I got back yesterday. I came by to see Ryan, but there weren't any lights on in the poolhouse," She replies.

"Yeah. A lot of stuff's happened recently. What are you doing here, Marissa? I thought you guys broke up?" Seth asks immediately. She blushes.

"He told you about that? God, Seth, I messed up…I was hoping I could make it up to him…"

"A lot of stuff has happened lately, Marissa. It's not a good time," Seth says.

"What? Seth, what are you talking about? You're his bouncer now?" Marissa asks, confused.

"Yeah. I guess you could say that," Seth says immediately. 

"Seth. Let me talk to him. Is he mad?"

"He's had a long week. I'll tell him you came by, Marissa," Seth states. 

"Seth, what's going on? Is he that mad?" Marissa asks, hurt. 

"No, I don't know…I'll tell him you came by, okay? That's all I can do."

"Okay. But, is Summer here? And Anna? And if they're here, why can't I be here?" Marissa asks.

"Seth. It's okay," Ryan steps outside and startles them both. 

"Ryan…what happened to you? Are you okay?" She rushes to his side but he steps back, holding his hands up defensively. She can tell by his posture and bruises that he's been hurt.

"I'm okay. Seth. It's cool. I'll talk to her," Ryan tells his friend.

"You sure?" Seth asks, not wanting Ryan to get upset again. 

"What happened, Ryan?" Marissa demands, worried. 

"It's a really long story," Ryan says. "What are you doing here?" Seth doesn't leave, he moves over to stand beside Ryan, protective.

"I came to apologize, I need to talk to you and explain everything," Marissa says. "I made a mistake…" She glances at Seth, wanting him to go inside so she can talk to Ryan alone.

"You had a fling, Marissa," Ryan states flatly. "And now that you're back…."

"I'm sorry, Ryan. I made a mistake."

"Okay. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you and Jean-Luc," Ryan says. "But you and I…there's nothing between us."

"Ryan, don't say that…"

"There's nothing between us, Marissa. You made that perfectly clear when you called me from Paris and told me that you were fucking some French guy," Ryan says.

"Seth, can you give us a few minutes?" Marissa asks, glaring at him.

"He can stay, Marissa. He has to, actually," Ryan says. Seth nods, understanding.

"Why?"

"In case he falls over," Seth replies immediately.

"I can't take care of that?" Marissa asks.

"What do you want, Marissa?" Ryan replies. He sways slightly as his strength wavers. Seth steadies him with a hand on his shoulder. 

"I want to talk to you. I want to catch up and…"

"Why don't you call next time?" Ryan asks. 

"Why are you being like this?"

"Like what?" Ryan replies.

"It's like you don't care, like I don't mean anything to you…" Marissa starts, her eyes filling with tears. "Don't you care about me? Doesn't our relationship mean anything to you?" 

Ryan hesitates and loses a shade of color in his face. Seth speaks. "Marissa, why are you asking Ryan that? Weren't you the one that broke up with Ryan over the phone in the first place?"

"Seth, this doesn't involve you," She snaps.

"Don't talk to him like that. He's right and you know it. This wasn't my idea, Marissa. I was willing to wait for you, I cared about you so much and as soon as you were away from me, you forgot about me…I mean, why even tell me about the other guy if you were just going to come back and act like nothing's changed?" Ryan asks. 

"Ryan…" She starts. 

"No. It's over, Marissa. Nothing's changed since you called. We're not together anymore," Ryan says. 

Seth gives Ryan a worried look. "You okay?"

"He's fine, we're talking," Marissa snaps at him again. The door opens and Summer and Anna step out, concerned. 

"Hey, Coop. When did you get back?" Summer asks, sensing the tension. 

"Yesterday…" Marissa starts. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm spending time with friends," Summer replies, confused at Marissa's angry.

"Marissa, I think you should go," Ryan says quietly.

"Not until you listen to me…" She protests. 

"There's nothing for me to listen to," Ryan replies quietly. "Besides, you're not listening to me so why should I even try?"

"Ryan, hey…" Seth steadies him as a tremor runs through his friend. 

"Marissa, he needs his rest," Summer says, reaching out and touching her arm to get her attention. 

"What do you know about Ryan?" Marissa snaps. 

"You are out of control," Anna remarks. "You come over here, expecting him to forgive you unconditionally and then you yell at your best friend who you obviously haven't called since you've been gone…"

"Don't talk to me like that," Marissa gasps.

"Okay, Marissa, that's it. Leave. You're not welcome here," Seth says, pale. 

"I'm not leaving until I can talk to Ryan…" Marissa protests. 

"Fuck you," Ryan says suddenly. Everyone turns to look at him in surprise. "I mean it. Fuck you. That's all the talking you're going to get out of me tonight." He walks past her toward the main house. 

"Ryan…" Marissa calls after him. Before anyone can stop her, she rushes toward Ryan and reaches for him, making contact with his bruised side as she spins him around to face her. His face is stricken with pain as he loses his breath. He staggers and has to grab a nearby chair to stay upright. "Ryan, I need you, I can't do this without you, you can't leave me…" She pleads, not seeing his distress.

"God, Marissa, self-centered much?" Anna says, reaching Ryan first. "You okay, Ryan?"

"Yeah…I just need a minute…" He whispers, still breathless with pain. He sits down suddenly, realizing that he will fall if he tries to walk. He puts his head in his hands and leans forward. 

"What the fuck is wrong with all of you?" Marissa demands. Sandy and Kirsten step outside, concerned by her raised voice.

"We asked you to leave," Seth states. Kirsten sees Ryan's distress and joins Anna by his chair. Summer and Seth block Marissa's path to Ryan. Kirsten kneels beside him and tries to pull his hands away so she can see his face. 

"Marissa. Ryan's not really up for company," Sandy says, taking the upset girl's arm. "Let me drive you home."

"I need to talk to Ryan," Marissa insists. Sandy pulls her into the house away from the teenagers. 

"Ryan?" Kirsten says.

"I'm okay…she just startled me…" Ryan breathes shakily.

"She grabbed him on his side where it's all bruised," Seth tells his mother. 

"Marissa is being extra crazy tonight," Anna comments. Summer is silent. Seth turns to her. 

"Are you okay?" Seth asks.

"Yeah. Thanks," Summer says, pale.

Sandy returns without Marissa. "She's gone. I waited until I saw her taillights. I called Jimmy and told her that she's on her way," He adds.

"Thanks, Sandy," Ryan says. He stands up and limps into the main house. Everyone follows him inside. Ryan turns to them. "I think I'm going to lie down for a while."

"Okay, Ryan," Kirsten nods. Summer follows him upstairs and he closes the door to his room behind them. 

"You okay?" Summer asks.

"Are you?"

"Yeah…"

"Me, too," Ryan says. They smile at each other because they know they're both lying. She turns away from him and he sighs. He walks over to her and puts his arms around her. She returns his embrace and they stand silently for a few moments, holding each other. 

"What do you want to do?" Summer asks.

"About what?"

"About us."

"What about us?" Ryan replies. 

"Ryan," She says. "You know…"

"I don't know, Summer. I'm not going back with Marissa. I…I don't want to ruin your friendship with her, either," He sighs. 

"I don't know what to do," Summer echoes. 

"So. What are we going to do?"

"I don't know," She says. They continue holding each other. 

"I'm going to lie down, Summer," Ryan says finally. "Are you going to stay tonight?"

"I don't think I should. Not…not until we figure this out," She says.

Ryan nods, understanding. "Okay."

"Ryan…"

"Summer, I understand. Really. You saved my life, you know?" Ryan asks.

She can't stop the tears from filling her eyes. "Ryan…"

"You don't have to say anything, Summer. I just…you know how important you are to me, right?"

"Of course…"

"Okay. As long as you know," Ryan says. 

"Ryan…"

"Let's don't talk about anything else tonight. I'll see you tomorrow, maybe?"

"I'll call you first thing…" Summer promises.

"I believe you. Be careful," Ryan urges. He doesn't get up as she turns to leave. He lies down and turns to face away from the door.

"Ryan? Are we…are we okay?"

"Yeah, Summer. We're okay."

Summer can't tell by his voice what his answer means. She exits. As soon as she closes the door behind her, Ryan rolls over on his back and sighs. He knows that no matter how exhausted he is, he won't be able to sleep tonight.

***** 


	5. Like Violence

**__**

AN: I'm not even going to try and tell you how many more parts are to come. Here's nine pages from my weekend of trying to finish this. Every time I say it's the last installment, I manage to write more plot. Hey, I guess I shouldn't post WIP's but it's a little late now. Enjoy. 

*****Part Five*****

__

"Just bend the pieces 'til they fit

like they were meant for this

but they weren't meant for this…"

--Dashboard Confessional

_Ryan is trapped in a pool of thick, cloying liquid. He can't swim. He can't breathe. He's drowning. He accidentally opens his mouth and tastes blood. He's sinking deeper into the darkness and when he opens his mouth to scream it feels like his lungs are filling with blood. He's sinking and he can't see. He goes deaf as the liquid seeps into his ears _

Ryan falls with a crash to the floor. His vision dulls. He doesn't respond to Seth's voice. 

"Ryan."

"Yeah?"

"Can you get up? Honey, look at me…" Kirsten is beside him now. He looks up at her. 

Ryan accepts her offered hands and shakily gets to his feet. 

"What happened?" Sandy appears in the doorway.

"I was asleep and…I was dreaming…" Ryan considers aloud.

"I heard you yell…or something and then I heard you fall out of bed," Seth says.

"Damn…" Ryan ignores their concerned stares as he twists his arm behind him and unclips the bindings.

"Ryan…" Kirsten starts. 

"It was too tight…" Ryan sighs.

"We should take you to the hospital," Sandy says.

"No, no…I promise…" Ryan starts.

"Dude, your leg…" Seth interrupts. 

Ryan's sweatpants have droplets of blood over where his stitches are.

"Sit down, honey. Sandy, go get the first aid kit." Kirsten sits down beside Ryan on the bed.

"So this is why Mom always makes sure I have clean underwear," Seth smiles.

"Shut up," Ryan smiles nervously.

"Let me see, Ryan," Kirsten urges.

Ryan lowers his pants and before Kirsten can help, pulls the blood-soaked bandage off. He shields his wound with his hand. "Okay. So. I ripped some of the stitches out."

"Let me see…" Kirsten urges. 

"It's really gross…" Ryan protests.

"It's okay, Ryan." She doesn't flinch as she gently moves his hand. Sandy returns and passes her the kit. She gives Ryan a pad of gauze. "Hold this against your leg to stop the bleeding."

"He ripped his stitches," Seth tells his father.

"Ryan? You know…you have to come to the hospital so they can fix your stitches," Kirsten says.

Ryan sighs. "What time is it?"

"Around six am. Almost dawn," Seth replies.

"Come on, Ryan," Sandy says.

Ryan sighs and gets unsteadily to his feet. "We don't all have to go."

"He's right. I'll take him. You guys can go back to bed and we'll be back before you know it," Sandy says. He kisses Kirsten and follows Ryan to the car.

***** 

The doctors restitch Ryan's leg and take more x-rays of his chest due to some murmured complaints that Sandy manages to get out of Ryan. Ryan and Sandy are waiting for the doctor to return with his verdict.

"So, kid. What's going on?"

"I'm sorry about all this, Sandy…"

"What? You can't control your nightmares…"

"All this trouble…"

"Ryan, don't you understand? This isn't trouble…I'm just glad you're here so I can take care of you…you could've died…" Sandy says.

Ryan nods silently, his eyes lowered.

"I know you've got a lot on your mind. Want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"You should. You have to talk to someone. Come on. Talk to me."

Ryan sighs. "What do you want to know?"

"Tell me about Summer."

"God, Sandy…"

"I want to know everything, Ryan," Sandy says seriously. "Because right now, the only 2 people that really know what's going on between you guys is you and Summer."

"That's the way it should be."

"Ryan. Try to understand where I'm coming from." Sandy is still serious. Ryan meets his gaze. "You were so protective and defensive about your friendship with Summer that you took off. I know there was more to it than that, it was a combination of things…but…"

"Summer and I are friends…we started hanging out because we were both…lonely," Ryan says slowly. "She's a lot like me, she can blend in anywhere and she…she got along with my friends, she didn't judge them…"

"When did Summer meet your friends?" Sandy asks.

"We would go down to the beach and hang out. See…Summer and I have been hanging out for weeks, since Marissa left."

"I had no idea."

"Haven't you ever had a friend that you were so comfortable with that…I can't talk about this…" 

"So you guys were friends. Platonic? Because you guys are pretty intense…"

"Intense?" Ryan asks.

"Kirsten says that the temperature rises ten degrees when you guys are together," Sandy admits. 

Ryan laughs quietly. 

"So, you're friends."

"We…it just happened one night, Sandy. Marissa had told me about her french guy and…things were so crazy and we were drunk…" Ryan sighs.

"Okay…so…"

"We're friends."

"That are having sex."

"Sandy," Ryan sighs, clearly uncomfortable.

"Ryan…"

"It's between Summer and I."

"And Marissa."

"There's nothing between Marissa…"

"You know what I mean," Sandy says.

"It's complicated."

"It's stressing you out."

"It's cool," Ryan sighs.

"Ryan…" Sandy starts. The doctor walks in.

"Thank god," Ryan mutters. 

"Well, I have some news," The doctor says.

"Doesn't look like good news," Ryan says. 

The doctor hangs several x-rays on the illuminated box by the bed.

"It seems that after the swelling went down, the bones shifted and now we can see additional damage… The doctor begins. Sandy puts his hand on Ryan's shoulder as the teenager pales several shades. The doctor speaks for several minutes but Ryan is numb.

"It's a simple surgery…"

"Surgery?" Ryan whispers.

"To remove the fragments of bone," The doctor says.

"It'll be fine, Ryan," Sandy says.

"I just got in a fight and you guys are talking surgery…"

"Ryan, it'll be okay. Don't panic."

"You'll be home by nightfall, Ryan," The doctor promises. "We'll sedate you, make several small incisions and remove the bone fragments. Most people don't even scar."

Ryan shakes his head in disbelief.

"I need to call my wife," Sandy tells the doctor.

"I'll make the arrangements," The doctor says. "I'll be right back."

Sandy turns to Ryan as he dials his cell phone. "Are you okay with this?"

"No. But I'll do whatever you think."

"Ryan…"

"Really, Sandy. I'm not a doctor. I've never really been to a doctor before so…" Ryan shrugs.

"Kirsten?" Sandy has his ear to the phone.

"Sandy? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, honey. Ryan has to stay a little longer than we planned."

"Is he okay?"

"Can you meet us down here? And bring Seth…"

"Sandy…"

"It's not serious. Don't panic. Hold on…" Sandy lowers the phone. "Ryan, is there anything you need them to bring?"

Ryan shakes his head.

"Sandy?"

"Okay, Kirsten. Come on down as soon as you can."

"We're leaving now."

***** 

Around noon, Ryan is waiting with Sandy and Kirsten for the nurses to take him into surgery.

"Ryan, everything's going to be fine," Kirsten says. Seth enters.

"Man, your parents are killing me with the pep talks," Ryan smiles.

"Sorry. Hey, Summer's left, like, 3 messages looking for you. What do you want me to tell her?"

Ryan hesitates. "I'll be home by eight, right?"

"If everything goes smoothly," Sandy starts until Kirsten nudges him.

"Of course, Ryan," Kirsten says.

Ryan smiles. He looks back at Seth. "Don't upset her. Just tell her…that I'll call her." The nurses step in. "And tell her that…"

"You love her?" Seth offers with a smirk.

"No. Don't tell her that," Ryan replies quietly, his eyes flashing with emotion.

"It's time," The nurse says.

***** 

Ryan surgery is remarkably quick and the Cohen bring him home as soon as he's cleared.

He's dull with residual anesthetic and painkillers. Kirsten and Seth guide him inside and upstairs to his room. The doctors only released him because of Kirsten's insistence that she keep her promise to him to go home.

The phone is ringing as Ryan sits down on the bed.

"You should eat," Kirsten says.

"Sleep," Ryan replies. Seth answers the phone after losing a stare down with Sandy.

"You can sleep after you eat."

"Or I could eat after I sleep," Ryan replies.

"Ryan?" Seth has his hand over the mouthpiece. "It's Summer."

Ryan covers his face for a moment. "Okay. I'll eat something if you guys can give me a few minutes."

"I'll bring it to you," Kirsten says. Seth hands him the phone and follows his parents out, closing the door.

"Hey," Ryan says into the phone.

"Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry. It was a long, shitty day. Are you okay?" Ryan asks.

"Marissa is…she's so messed up, Ryan. I don't know what to do and…"

"What?"

"I miss you so much…"

"Summer…"

"But she's so unbalanced that I don't know how she'll handle it if she finds out…but I…I miss you so much…"

"I miss you, too." Ryan is silent for a long moment. "I'll do whatever you need, Summer. I won't let you get hurt…"

"What are you talking about?"

"She needs you, Summer."

"But I need you…"

"So what are we going to do? Just tell me what to do," Ryan whispers. "Because…"

"Do you love Marissa?"

"Summer, no. No." Ryan is confused.

"Did you love her?"

"You know the answer to that," Ryan starts.

"No, you told me that you didn't know what love was…" Summer protests, making reference to a conversation they'd had weeks earlier.

"I didn't then."

They are both silent. 

"Summer, I'm really tired…"

"What'd you do all day?"

"Promise not to flip out?"

"No," Summer answers. She's worried. "So tell me."

"I ripped out some stitches and Sandy took me to the ER. They checked my ribs again and…"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine now."

"So when'd you get home?"

"Just now."

"It's late. What took so long?"

"Summer, they had to…they had to do a few things over."

"Like what? Ryan, tell me…"

"I'm home safe now. It was nothing."

"You didn't call me?"

"I didn't want to upset you."

"I'm upset."

Ryan sighs. He slides off the bed and leans his back against the edge of the bed. "Baby, don't be upset."

"You're okay?"

"Yeah. I'm drugged silly but I'm okay."

"Do you want me to come over?"

"Of course. But I don't think you can," Ryan says.

"Why not?"

"I want you, Summer. You know that. You…you know how I feel about you and I know…I know that you care about me, too, but…"

"But what?"

"I don't want to sneak around. I don't want to lie. If you need to be clean with Marissa, if this stuff between us has to have been nonexistent so you can make things right with her, then…"

"Ryan, wait, slow down…"

"I can't be with you if I know that you're going to walk away…not right now…I'm just not strong enough right now to be able to let you go…I'll wait for you but I can't see you right now…not if you can't stay."

Summer is silent after his outburst.

"Ryan?" Kirsten enters with a tray of sandwiches.

"I have to go."

"No, Ryan, please, wait…"

"I'll call you." Ryan hangs up.

***** 

Summer flicks a flake of polish off her fingernail as Marissa tells her more about Jean-Luc's art of massage. "Marissa."

"Yeah?" She chirps.

"You've been home a week now and you haven't asked me what I did while you were gone."

"Oh. Sorry. What did you do while I was gone?"

"Ryan."

Summer jolts awake, knocking the notebook off her desk and startling the teacher mid-sentence. She hasn't slept in days. She hasn't talked to Marissa about Ryan yet. Marissa hasn't let Summer talk to her about anything, she's been totally self-absorbed since her return. Summer has been trying to be supportive but she needs to be more than a sounding board. She needs someone to listen to her, too. Summer has reached her breaking point. 

Marissa hands her the tablet and gives her a curious look. 

Summer hasn't talked to Ryan in six days. He's at school but he won't meet her eyes when she looks at him and she hasn't approached him. Marissa is obsessive around him, constantly finding him and trying to talk to him. Ryan doesn't reply. He listens to her in silence. Ryan's behavior is unnerving for everyone. Seth and Anna are always with him and he talks to them, but he doesn't respond to anyone else. He hasn't been answering when the teachers call on him in class. Summer hasn't talked to Seth about it yet, but she knows that Dr. Kim had a conference with the Cohens earlier in the day. 

The bell rings and Summer is relieved. It's 3:00 on Friday and she flanks Marissa to her locker.

"So. I was thinking of going over to Ryan's this weekend with some ice cream, chocolate's his favorite, I think, and no one can resist ice cream," Marissa is saying. 

"Strawberry."

"What?" Marissa asks absently. 

"Ryan likes strawberry ice cream," Summer says.

Marissa stares at her. "What are you talking about?"

"Ryan and I hung out while you were gone."

"What? You didn't tell me that…"

"You haven't asked," Summer replies evenly.

"God, Summer, I've been a little upset…"

"Yeah, me too. Good luck with that." Summer turns, determined to walk away.

"What? Summer, wait…"

"No." Summer stops, though and turns to face her.

"What's going on with you?"

"I'm tired, Marissa. I've been your friend for a long time. But I don't think you've ever been my friend. And Ryan was my friend but I told myself that you were more important. But I was wrong." Summer is shaking.

"I don't understand…"

"You wouldn't. This is the bottom line, Coop. We are not friends."

"What's this all about?"

"It's about the end of our friendship. Have a nice life, Coop." Summer walks away.

***** 

Ryan is sitting at the kitchen counter working on his homework when Sandy arrives home. He knows the Cohens met with Dr. Kim earlier about his 'communication issues' she had approached him about yesterday. 

"So. Ryan. Why don't you tell me what's going on?" Sandy asks.

"For once, nothing."

"Dr. Kim told us what's been happening. When a teacher calls on you, you don't answer…"

"I'm sorry, Sandy. I just haven't felt like talking."

"You're not in trouble, but your teachers are concerned. I'm concerned. Your assignments are being done, you're acing all the written work but you…you won't talk to anyone but Seth or Anna…"

"I can't explain it. I'll…I'll try to do what she wants, what, for me to socialize? Interact?" Ryan offers, clearly eager to end the conversation.

"Ryan, stop."

"I'm sorry…"

"Stop." Sandy leans against the counter heavily. "I know you're upset about Summer and Marissa…"

"I'm fine."

"If you were fine, I wouldn't be meeting your dean to discuss your state of mind…"

"Yeah, I'm antisocial and introverted. Clinically depressed and prone to random acts of violence and self-destructive behavior. It's not news to me, Sandy, all the counselors give me that same spiel."

"And you don't think there's any validity to that."

"Why do they get to define normal? So, I'm not chipper all the time. I get by. I'm not suicidal…"

"You ran away from home and went on a drug and drinking binge and almost died…"

Ryan sighs, affected. He's clearly frustrated.

"I'm worried about you."

"Don't," Ryan snaps.

"Ever since you got back, Ryan…I can see that you're really making an effort to talk to us and accept your place in the family but you're still withdrawn and…" Sandy starts.

"What do you want me to do? God, Sandy, I'm fucking sore, I feel like hell and I've got Marissa crying in my face all day, I've got teachers asking me dumbass questions all day and all of fucking Newport looking at me like I'm trash and I'm just trying to hold it together until things level out…" Ryan runs out of words.

"How can I make things better for you, Ryan?" Sandy asks after a long pause.

"I'll do better. I'll communicate more and make an effort to interact socially," Ryan says tersely.

"What's that mean?" Sandy asks, confused by Ryan's veiled emotion.

"I'll try, Sandy. I'm sorry," Ryan says, resigned. 

"That's not what I need to know. I need to know what I can do to make things better," Sandy asks.

"Relax. That will make me better. I'm fine. I'm not planning on going anywhere. I want to be here." Ryan covers his face. "I just…"

"You just what?" Sandy urges.

"I just need time."

"Okay," Sandy says. Ryan's dark mood remains but the animosity has been replaced by ambivalence. Ryan doesn't want to talk anymore and his eyes are lowered and focused.

"Are we done?" Ryan asks.

"You want some dinner?"

"I had cereal. I'm going to go upstairs and finish this homework," Ryan says. 

"Are you angry with me?" Sandy asks.

"No. Relax." Ryan goes upstairs.

***** 

__

"Like violence-

you have me,

forever and after-

Like violence- 

you kill me

forever and after…"

--Blink 182

Seth opens the door later to Summer. "Hey. Long time," He says as he gives her a friendly hug.

"What's going on?" Summer asks.

"Anna and I are hanging out," Seth says as he leads her inside to the den. Anna welcomes her with a nod.

"How are you? How's Marissa?" Anna asks.

"I snapped on her today and it didn't phase her, she didn't even care that I…that I totally hate her now," Summer confesses. "She hasn't even called."

"I'm so sorry, Summer," Anna replies, honestly.

"But I didn't tell her about Ryan…I said that we were friends…" Summer begins.

"Summer. You guys are just friends. Isn't that the general consensus?" Seth replies, smiling sympathetically.

"I don't even know if we're even friends at this point. Is he here?" Summer asks.

Anna and Seth glance at each other.

"What?" Summer asks.

"He's sleeping, Summer. Mom and Dad don't like us to wake him," Seth says quietly.

"Don't give me that," Summer says, not believing him.

"No, Summer, I'm serious. Mom and Dad are like wardens. He's been having these awful dreams, that's how he ended up in the ER and had the surgery and now they give him a sleeping pill after dinner because he can't…what?" Seth stops, seeing Summer's confused expression.

"Wait. Surgery? What surgery? He said he ripped some stitches out…"

"Yeah, but…but they did more x-rays and found out that his ribs were damaged worse than they thought and they did some…simple surgery and he's all better," Seth explains.

"Surgery?" Summer is stricken.

"Ryan must not have mentioned it. Sorry," Anna says, glaring at Seth.

"I don't think he wanted to upset you," Seth adds.

"I need to see him."

Seth gets up and exits. Anna slides over and takes Summer's hand. "Honey, this has been a rough couple of weeks and…and Ryan's been through a lot. He might not be able to see you right now."

"Is he okay?"

"He's…he's getting there. He just…he's really quiet," Anna hesitates.

"I know that he's not talking. Like, except to you and Seth."

"And the Cohens. He says he doesn't feel like talking to anyone else," Anna admits.

"He'll talk to me. He has to," Summer whispers.

"What happened between you guys? He…Ryan hasn't mentioned your name since you stopped calling," Anna explains.

"I don't know. With Marissa back…"

"I asked about you and Ryan. Let's leave Marissa out of this for a second. What happened between you and Ryan?"

"He…we…we just stopped. Everything we had…we just left it where we left it," Summer says.

Seth returns. "He's sleeping, Summer. I tried to wake him but…"

"Can I just see him? Please, Seth…" Summer pleads, standing up.

"Summer. He needs his rest," Kirsten says, stepping in beside her son.

"I promise not to wake him. I…I have to see him."

"Summer…" Kirsten starts.

"Please. Just for a minute."

Kirsten nods and leads her upstairs. Summer steps into his room and walks immediately to Ryan's bedside.

Ryan is sleeping peacefully. His bare chest rises and falls and his arm is stretched out as if he's waiting for the empty space to be filled. 

"Seth tried to wake him, honey. But we've been giving him something the doctor prescribed for his nightmares," Kirsten says gently.

"He's having nightmares again?"

"Again?"

"He has them a lot," Summer says, sitting down on the edge of the bed and smoothing his rumpled hair. "When he's got too much on his mind. I guess it was about a month ago when they were the worst. He's taking the sleeping pills without argument?"

"Not without argument. But he knows that he needs rest."

"Can I sit with him?" Summer asks. Ryan moves his lips, talking soundlessly as he readjusts in bed.

"Can you come back tomorrow? I'll get him to call you first thing," Kirsten says after a pause.

"Summer…" Ryan murmurs in his sleep as his face becomes expressive with emotion.

"I'm right here," Summer says quietly, but Ryan is sleeping deeply. He turns away from her.

"No…sorry…" Ryan mutters. Kirsten glances at Ryan and kneels at the head of his bed.

"Shh…it's okay…you're safe, okay?" Kirsten speaks quietly and Ryan relaxes at her voice. 

"'Kay…" He breathes.

"Will you tell him I came by?" Summer goes to the door.

"Of course. I'm sure he'll be sorry he missed you," Kirsten says, making no move to follow her. "It's good to see you."

"I should have stayed by him," Summer says, guiltily.

"He's a strong boy. He's doing okay," Kirsten says. "And you look like you're getting by."

"I won't be okay until I can talk to him," Summer says as she leaves.

***** 

"Hey, dude. What's up?"

"Hey," Ryan nods to Seth in the kitchen.

"What are you going to do today?"

"Don't know. You?" Ryan asks.

"I'm under strict orders to make you relax. Mom's calling it Operation Uplift."

"Like I'm a pair of sagging breasts?" Ryan replies. Seth laughs. "Operation Wonderbra," Ryan adds.

"Anna's on her way and its early so if we decide to drive a couple of hours…" 

"A roadtrip sounds nice," Ryan says after a pause. 

"Really? You like roadtrips?

"We used to hop in the car and drive until we ran out of cigarettes or gas," Ryan says quietly.

"Mom and Dad are going to want a destination, though."

"Your choice, Seth."

Seth pauses. "You know Summer came by last night to see you."

Ryan glances at him, clearly surprised. "What?"

"Yeah, you were out cold so Mom told her to call you today," Seth says.

"Oh. What did she want?"

"To see you. I think…I think she had it out with Marissa…not over you but…she wants to talk to you."

Ryan nods, motionless for a moment.

"Are you going to call her?"

Ryan doesn't respond.

"Ryan?"

"No. Not now. It's too early."

"Why not? You love her…" Seth starts.

"It doesn't matter. It's complicated," Ryan replies.

"Hey." Summer steps into the kitchen.

"Morning, Summer," Seth says, startled. 

"Hey, Seth. Ryan. Rosa let me in," Summer says, watching Ryan.

"Want some cereal?" Seth offers. Ryan turns slowly and holds out his bowl of frosted flakes.

"I'm fine. I had something at home," She replies.

"It's good to see you," Ryan says finally.

Summer sighs, smiling sadly. "So you can talk."

"I'm making an effort today," Ryan mutters, not meeting her gaze.

"It's Operation Wonderbra," Seth adds.

"Can we talk, Ryan?" Summer asks, giving Seth a curious glance.

"I thought we were talking," Ryan says quietly.

"I'll just be upstairs." Seth makes a quick exit. 

"Are you mad at me?" Summer whispers, sitting down beside him at the counter.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Then can we have an actual conversation?"

"Sure."

Summer sighs.

"How are you?" Ryan asks.

"I'm…I'm all messed up."

"That seems to be going around."

Summer smiles. She takes his hand and intertwines her fingers with his on the counter.

"What brings the visit?" Ryan asks.

"I need a reason to come see you?"

"I don't know. Do you?" Ryan asks.

They are both silent. 

"I feel like I can't breathe without you…I feel like I'm suffocating," Summer starts. Before she can continue, she feels Ryan's hands on her head and he kisses her, taking her breath. He kisses her desperately.

Between kisses, Ryan breathes words into her ear. "I can't stop dreaming about you…it's killing me…and if you're here…I'd never forgive myself…I need to show you…how I feel…" His hands run through her hair tenderly.

Summer accepts his kisses and pulls him tightly against her, knocking both their stools over. Her hands pull his shirt up in the back and she caresses his back with her fingertips.

"God, I'm sorry…" Ryan stops suddenly and steps back, stricken. Sandy and Seth having heard the falling stool, rush into the kitchen.

Summer and Ryan are both flushed and breathless. Sandy steps between them, instinctively.

"What happened?" Sandy asks, worried.

"I'm sorry, Summer…I'm so sorry…" Ryan says, clearly upset.

"Why? What's wrong?" Summer asks, confused.

"Sandy, it's okay. I just freaked for a minute," Ryan says after a tense pause.

"Come on, Ryan, no freaking out today. It's relax day," Seth says as he steps over and picks up the stools.

"Outside. We'll go outside in the sun," Ryan says.

"Are you sure everything's okay?" Sandy asks.

"Everything's okay," Ryan nods. He walks outside and Summer follows him.

"Summer," Seth calls as Summer turns to close the door. "Don't upset him."

Summer nods. She closes the door. Ryan has his back to her.

"They're worried about you."

"Yeah. I know."

"I'm worried about you, too. And me. I'm worried about us."

"There is no us right now. That's why I said I was sorry," Ryan replies, turning to face her.

"We can't be friends? Like we were?"

"Can you do that? Because…I'm in a little deeper now…I need…"

"I need you. However I can have you," Summer says. She walks over to him and tentatively reaches for his hand. He steps back. 

Ryan sits down in one of the pool chairs. She sits down beside him. She settles beside him, her legs across his as he reclines. Their bodies mould together automatically as he puts his arm behind her and she puts her arms around him, resting her head against his chest.

"Can I tell you about Marissa?"

"You can tell me anything, Summer."

She closes her eyes and tells him everything. About Marissa's cycles of crying over Jean-Luc and laughing about her mother's guilt-provoked shopping sprees. About Marissa's expectations of utter loyalty. Summer's tears start to trickle onto his shirt as she continues to explain that Marissa hadn't questioned her tears or her solemn mood. She explains how she can't help Marissa anymore. Ryan rubs her arm, comfortingly.

"Ryan?"

"I'm here."

"Don't you have anything to say?"

"What do you want me to say?" Ryan asks quietly.

"I…I don't know…"

"You're a good friend. A great friend. She's your oldest, best friend. She's shared years of memories with you and…and you care about her in ways…"

"Okay, don't talk," She murmurs. "Just…"

"I'll just hold you."

They lie together in silence.

"I have to go to therapy next week," Ryan says quietly.

"What? What?"

"They're worried about me."

"And you're going?"

"I'll do whatever they want. They're trying so hard…so I'm trying, too," Ryan whispers. 

"You don't need therapy," She murmurs. They fall silent.

"I need something," Ryan says finally.

"You need me…"

"I can't ask you for anything more than you've already given me."

She tilts her head to look at him but his eyes are closed. 

"I can't let myself need you," He whispers as she watches him. 

She straddles him suddenly. She takes his face in her hands and begins to kiss him. She explores his mouth, unable to control herself. She kisses him until her lungs are screaming for oxygen. She waits for him to take a ragged breath before pressing her lips against his mouth again. 

"We can't…keep…doing this…" Ryan pants as she starts to unbutton his shirt.

"Why not…" She puts a hickey on his neck, bruising his flesh as she tries to devour him.

"Please…" She murmurs.

"Please what…" He whispers and he returns her kisses into her neck.

"Make love to me…" She says as she kisses his exposed bellybutton. Her fingers start to unbutton his jeans.

"Wait…stop…" Ryan moans before her teeth finish unzipping his jeans.

"What?" She pants.

"I can't…"

Her fingers finish unzipping his pants as her mouth finds his.

"I need…you…inside…I need you so bad…" She murmurs, tracing the path to his boxers with her tongue.

"Please stop…I can't…resist you…please…" He manages, his hands stopping her descent. He finds her hands and clenches them tightly, stopping her.

"Why, Ryan? Why can't we…"

"Ryan." Seth's voice is urgent.

"Yeah?" Ryan answers as he zips his jeans. 

"Marissa's dad is on the phone."

Ryan accepts the phone from Seth as Summer sits up and gracelessly falls out of the pool chair.

"Hello?" 

"Ryan? It's Jimmy Cooper."

"Hey, Mr. Cooper," Ryan says. Seth is helping Summer off the ground.

"Ryan. Kirsten called me last night…"

"Why? I mean…"

"She said that Marissa's been hassling you…"

"Hassling me? I never…" Ryan starts.

"Anyway. I just wanted to tell you that we're sending her to an inpatient…"

"You're putting her in the hospital?" Ryan asks.

"An inpatient facility where she can get well, Ryan…"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Cooper…"

"No, I'm sorry. Marissa's sick and I was fooling myself that she'd get better without help."

Ryan is silent. Seth is standing beside Summer until she pushes past him, vanishing around the house.

"I just wanted you to know. She didn't even tell me that you guys had broken up, she said that everything was fine. She's been lying to me for months."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Cooper." He hesitates. "What do you want me to do?"

"Ryan, I don't expect anything of you…"

"I…I'm sorry…"

"I know this wasn't your fault. Marissa…she's sick."

"But…"

"You can't help her, Ryan. I appreciate everything you did for her but we have to let the doctors help her now."

"Good luck, Mr. Cooper." Ryan lowers the phone. 

"Ryan?" Seth calls.

Ryan stands up. "I'm going to go for a walk."

"A walk?"

"Yeah. I'll be back." Ryan walks away from Seth with a strange expression.

"Wait!" Seth calls. Ryan waves a hand at him as he disappears around the house. 


	6. On Fire

****

AN: Okay, this story is officially completed. I'm sure after a few weeks of thinking on it, I'll have to add an epilogue but I had to bring some closure to Ryan and Summer's relationship. I hope it's up to par. Let me know what you guys think. **THANKS** for all the reviews and all the people that encouraged me to expand this story. It's been a ride for our characters and I think they deserve the rest. 

***** 

__

"Never said I was innocent

I will burn in hell for the things I've done to you

Never said I was anything good…"

--Everclear

"Summer? Summer, what are you doing?" Anna is getting out of her car when Summer comes around the edge of the house.

"I have to go…" Summer says.

"Whoa…" Anna stops her, taking her arm. "What's going on?"

"I came to talk to Ryan but…one of us keeps getting upset and Marissa's Dad, her Dad, Anna…"

"What about her dad?" Anna asks, pulling Summer into a comforting hug.

""He just called to talk to Ryan…I think he's sending her away or something…"

Ryan walks past them suddenly, heading toward the street.

"Freeze. Where are you going?" Anna calls. Her and Summer turn to watch Ryan.

"A walk."

"Not with your leg, you're not. Ryan!" Anna calls.

"Ryan, stop." 

Ryan stops in his tracks at Summer's voice. 

"Stop running," She says.

"I'm not running. I need some air," He mutters, turning to look at her.

"You're outside," She deadpans.

"Both of you guys need to stop running and have a real conversation. Are you all right, Ryan?" Seth gives his girlfriend a hug as he appears, relieved to see Ryan.

"What did Jimmy say?" Summer asks, walking down the driveway to meet Ryan.

"He…"

"Ryan?"

He keeps his voice low and doesn't return her hug when she puts her arms around him. "Kirsten told Jimmy that Marissa was 'hassling' me at school and…"

"Hassling you?"

"Yeah. And now Jimmy's sending her to an 'inpatient facility'. A fucking mental hospital…"

"She's sick, Ryan," Summer says quietly.

"A lot of people are sick, Summer," Ryan replies. 

Summer looks into his eyes but they are cold. "Why are you shutting down on me?"

"I'm not."

"You're lying. I can tell. You're…you think this is your fault…" Summer says. 

"I shouldn't have said anything to Sandy…I should have just kept my mouth shut…" Ryan mutters. 

"No. You shouldn't. You have to start talking…" Summer replies. She puts her hand against his cheek. "Ryan?"

"I need some air," Ryan says quietly.

"Ryan? Is Ryan out here?" Kirsten's voice calls from the doorway. 

"Yeah," Ryan answers. 

"Can I talk to you a minute?" She asks. Seth and Anna aren't in the driveway anymore and Ryan realizes that they must have said something to Kirsten. 

"Come on," Summer pulls Ryan gently back toward the house. 

"Ryan…where were you going?" Kirsten asks quietly as they walk past her into the house. 

"I'm not going anywhere," Ryan murmurs with a sigh. 

"Ryan…" Kirsten starts.

Ryan closes his eyes and leans against the wall and holds his hands up in surrender. He takes a deep breath. Summer leaves him alone with Kirsten.

"I think Ryan needs a little space," Sandy says as he walks in. "Let's take a walk." Sandy ignores the concerned looks and pulls Ryan gently from the house. 

"I already tried a walk, I made it as far as the driveway," Ryan mutters, not following Sandy down the path.

"Well, now you're supervised," Sandy replies, pausing and turning to face him.

"I need to be supervised?"

"Do you?" Sandy asks.

"I'm tired of talking in these fucking circles!" Ryan snaps suddenly. "I just want to go somewhere and be able to hear myself think!"

"Ryan…"

"No, I just need some fucking quiet!" Ryan says. Sandy is clearly confused by Ryan's anger but he doesn't question him. He nods slowly at Ryan. Ryan walks past Sandy, down the driveway and disappears around the corner down the path to the beach. 

"Good job," Kirsten says from the doorway.

"He'll be back."

"You called Jimmy, Kirsten?" Sandy sighs as he walks back into the house.

"I just called to check on Marissa, Sandy. When you told me how upset Ryan was yesterday…"

"You should have talked to me first. Or Ryan. It's like pulling teeth to get him to talk to us as it is and you betrayed his trust going to Jimmy," Sandy says to her on the doorstep.

"I was trying to help."

"We don't even know what was going on between them, Kirsten…" Sandy replies. 

"You did the right thing," Anna says suddenly from behind Kirsten inside. "Marissa's not stable. She doesn't listen to anyone and she won't accept that it's over between them. She's, like, delusional," She adds. 

"So you saw them talking at school?"

"When he went back to school on Monday, she was waiting for him in the parking lot," Anna says. "Crying and begging for forgiveness. Ryan just shut down. He didn't respond to anything she said and she just kept talking. She finally accepted his silence as forgiveness. So after every class, she'd be there. She'd cycle from crying to laughing. She really needs help."

"Thank you, Anna," Kirsten says quietly. Anna nods. 

"We're going out to the poolhouse. Seth says that when Ryan gets back, Operation Wonderbra will still be active," Anna smiles.

"See? _When_ Ryan gets back," Sandy says quietly. He embraces Kirsten.

"I should have talked to you."

"What is it about communication in this family that always seems to bite us in the ass?" Sandy sighs.

***** 

"You make me scared but I take you everywhere…"

--Cold?

Ryan is only gone for about thirty minutes. When he gets back he walks into the house and finds Kirsten and Sandy in the kitchen.

"Back so soon?" Sandy asks quietly.

"I needed some air," Ryan says, standing by the sink.

"Where'd you go?" Kirsten asks.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a box of cigarettes and tosses it onto the counter.

"Ah. So when you said you needed some air, this is what you meant," Kirsten smiles.

Ryan shrugs, his expression stony. 

"I'm sorry, Ryan. About Marissa," Sandy says slowly. He glances at Kirsten before tossing the cigarettes back to Ryan. He catches them and puts them back into his pocket. 

"She needs help, I'm not disputing that. But I don't appreciate being the catalyst for her getting sent to a mental institution," Ryan says in reply. He keeps his eyes lowered. 

"Ryan, it's not like that…" Sandy replies.

"Not exactly. But Jimmy…" Ryan starts. 

"Jimmy didn't know what was going on with Marissa. He had no idea you guys had even broke up. He didn't know about the guy in France or the other night when she showed up here…" Kirsten interrupts. "He's so wrapped up in his own issues that he didn't know what was going on in his child's life which is something that I can relate to after the past few weeks…"

"It's not your fault that she's going to the hospital, Ryan. Not everything is your fault," Sandy adds as Kirsten stops speaking.

"I didn't want to get involved. I was trying to walk away from her, sever all the ties between us. But when she gets out, when she starts to get better, she's going to know that I ratted her out to her dad. I'm always going to be the boy that got her put into a mental institution. And what's that going to look like if Summer and I were to try and have a relationship? It's like…we got her sent away so we could be together…it's like…everything's all twisted now…worse than before…" Ryan's face is blank but it's clear by his dark eyes that he's affected. 

"Oh, Ryan, I'm sorry…" She gets up to embrace him but he holds his hands up and steps back.

"I can't. Not right now…" He says. She ignores him and puts her arms around him anyway. She realizes that he's shaking. He keeps his arms at his side, stiff.

"This isn't your fault," She whispers.

"It's like everything I do is wrong…even when I don't do anything…" Ryan murmurs, still not returning her hug. 

"No, Ryan, it's not like that at all…" Kirsten says. 

Ryan pulls away from her and steps back. "What do you want me to do." He didn't ask the question, he stated it. 

"What do you mean?" Sandy asks after a pause. Kirsten excuses herself, upset. Ryan doesn't follow her exit, he keeps his gaze glued to the floor. 

"What do you want me to do."

"Everyone's waiting for you in the poolhouse," Sandy says. "Why don't you go see what Seth's planned for you today?"

Ryan walks past Sandy, ignoring his concerned stare and out of the house. He hesitates outside the door to the poolhouse. He turns away from the door and starts to walk around the edge of the house. He can't face Summer right now. Or Seth. He needs quiet. 

"Hey."

He stops. He turns to face Seth. 

"What's up?" Seth asks, confused.

"I'm sorry. I just…I don't know…"

"What do you want to do, Ryan? This is supposed to be a day that you will not stress out and go all broody on us. Where can I take you?" Seth says, walking to Ryan's side.

"I just need some quiet," Ryan mutters.

"So. We're taking a roadtrip to the library?" Seth smiles slightly. Ryan meets his gaze for a second and Seth realizes that Ryan is trembling. "Is there anything I can do to make you chill out?"

"Yeah. Can you get me out of here?" Ryan asks.

"Of course."

"You can get the girls. I'll be out front," Ryan says. 

***** 

"Where are we going?" Anna whispers to Seth. They have been driving for over an hour with the stereo blasting. Ryan hasn't spoken. Summer is sleeping against his chest, curled up on the back seat. He has his arms around her and she is wrapped around him, her hands together behind his back. Ryan's blue eyes are locked in a stare out the window. 

"Summer has a house in the hills that she says we can crash at for a while. She called the servants and told them that we were coming so they could take the weekend off," Seth replies.

"Is that a good idea?" Anna asks.

"Mom and Dad agreed that it might be for the best to get Ryan out of town for the night. I have to call them when we get there and Mom packed some things for him," Seth says. He slows down and pulls onto a paved driveway.

"Is this it?" Anna asks. 

"I have no idea," Seth responds.

Ryan seems to snap out of his trance. "What?"

Anna and Seth glance back at him.

"Where the hell are we?" Ryan asks. 

"Can you wake Summer up and ask her where we are?" Seth asks. 

Ryan glances down at Summer and gently touches her face. She opens her eyes and smiles at him. "Hey…"

Ryan smiles despite himself. "Seth's lost."

Summer yawns and disentangles herself from his body. She sits up. "Oh. We're here. Good job, Seth."

"Where exactly is here?" Anna asks as the Range Rover continues to roll down the highway, passing large sprawling houses.

"Next driveway on the left," Summer points. Seth takes the turn and they ride in silence.

"Is this your dad's house?" Ryan asks Summer.

"Yeah. Seth said you needed to get out of town, that you needed some quiet. And its quiet here," Summer says.

"Thanks," Ryan says, honestly. 

"I just want you to be okay, Ryan…"

"I am okay…"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm okay."

Summer nods and turns toward the window. She glances back when she feels his hand on her shoulder. 

"I'm okay as long as you're here, Summer…" He whispers in her ear as the SUV comes to a stop. He gets out of the SUV before she can react.

***** 

__

"There's a power when you're near me…"

--Heather Nova

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me…"

--Dashboard Confessional

"You're so sweet

Your smile, your pussy and your bones

You're on fire

You move like music with your style…"

--Deftones

Ryan is standing on the balcony of the third floor of Summer's vacation house. He smokes his cigarette and enjoys the silence and the view of the mountains. He has raided the bar and is halfway through a bottle of scotch when he catches the familiar scent of Summer. He turns.

"You're drinking."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize to me, baby." She approached him and silently wraps her arms around his waist, pressing her face against his chest. She listens to his heart beat. She listens to him breathe. 

"I'm so sorry, Summer…"

"Why? Why are you always sorry?" She asks, not letting him go. He puts an arm around her and gently runs a hand through her hair. 

"I never meant to hurt you," He whispers. 

"I know," She replies. "You never meant to hurt anybody." 

He separates himself from her and steps back to the balcony.

"So. What do you want to do?" Summer asks quietly. Ryan takes a long swallow of the scotch. "Do you have to do that?"

"What?"

"Drink."

"Yeah. I think I do," Ryan says after a long pause. 

Summer sighs. She walks over and stands beside him. She takes the bottle of scotch and slings it off the balcony. Ryan watches her in silence. He finishes the liquor in his glass and passes it to her.

"Ryan."

He sighs. He turns away from her, not meeting her gaze.

"What am I supposed to do, Ryan? I want you so bad and its like…"

"I don't think we can be together, Summer…I…I think that it's too much…" He murmurs. She walks over to him and slaps him across his face. 

"Stop." She takes his face in her hands and kisses him. After several seconds, he returns her desperate kiss. 

"You can't tell me that you don't love me…I know you…I know how you think…I need you…you're the only person that understands me…you're the only person that's ever cared about me like this…I won't lose you…I won't let you go…" Summer murmurs, pulling him against her. He doesn't speak but he holds her tightly against him. 

"I don't want to hurt you, Summer…" Ryan whispers.

"It's too late. We…I want you to be with me…I love you, Ryan…" Summer says.

"I'm sorry," Ryan whispers.

"Don't you love me?" Summer asks, looking into his anguished blue eyes. "Please, Ryan…"

"You know I do…"

"Then fuck Marissa, fuck all that, just be with me…"

"It's so easy to say that, but…"

"But what?"

"How are you going to walk into that school every day and be with me when all those people are going to know that Marissa is in the mental hospital because…" Ryan says in a burst of speech. 

"Because she's sick, Ryan. She's in the mental hospital because she's sick. It has nothing to do with us," Summer says urgently.

"God, Summer, the only reason she's there is because Kirsten called her dad…" Ryan mutters. 

"She's there because she's sick," Summer repeats. "You can't save the world, she's not your responsibility…"

"I…" Ryan starts, frustrated.

"You have to start thinking of yourself first, you have to take care of yourself, that's all that's your responsible for…" Summer says, taking his hands in hers. She feels him trembling. "Baby…"

"Don't call me that…"

"Baby, please…I thought…I thought that you loved me, you said that you…"

"I love you more than anything, Summer…"

"Then just stop fighting," She urges. She watches as his blue eyes soften and flash with emotion. 

"I love you," Ryan whispers. He pulls her into a hug. She clings to him and sighs in relief.

"We'll be okay. We just have to get through this together, okay? Don't leave me…"

"I won't…"

"You promise?"

"I promise…"

***** 

Seth and Anna were curled up in the massive den of Summer's vacation house watching Monty Python on DVD. Ryan and Summer had been upstairs for several hours. 

"Do you think everything's okay?" Seth asks Anna. 

"I'm sure Summer would have told us if it weren't," Anna says. "You want to check on them?"

"I'm scared of what I'll walk into," Seth admits. "Come with me?"

Anna accepts his hand and they walk up the stairs to the second floor. They search the vacant rooms but they don't find Summer or Ryan. 

"Up one more," Seth shrugs and leads Anna to the third floor.

"This has to be the biggest house for the smallest family," Anna remarks as they emerge on the top floor. 

"Do you hear something?" Seth asks. They hear a giggle. 

"That sounds…promising," Anna shrugs. They follow the sound to a closed door.

"Stop…that tickles…" Ryan's voice is quiet. 

"You know you like it…" Summer responds.

"I think they're okay," Anna tells Seth. Seth remains for an instant, listening with a strange look on his face. 

"Seth?" Anna calls, worried.

Ryan's gentle laugh drifts from the room and Seth meets her gaze.

"Seth?" Anna calls again. 

"They did it."

"What?" Anna asks, confused.

"They're going to be together," Seth says, putting an arm around her. He leads her back downstairs.


End file.
